No Contact: It Took a While to Get Here and I've Accepted It
No Contact, Check
I read a lot of information on the subject of narcissistic abuse at the time, so I was ready and understood the assignment.
I Wanted Her Approval
Before that, in every encounter with my family member, I wanted to prove I was worthy, I wanted to let her know I was smart, adept, capable, and able-bodied. I wanted her to acknowledge my talents and how far I have come in life — on my own.
Every encounter was a failure. I left feeling confused and beat up emotionally.
My attributes were never acknowledged, I received criticism and was left feeling confused after every interaction.
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It Clicked One Day
It took me a long time to see it and when I did, I actually laughed because I didn’t see it before. It wasn’t a laugh of haha, it was a laugh of this is unbelievable laugh. Utter shock perhaps.
Over the last four years, I have been mourning and grieving the loss of this relationship. I haven’t gone “home” or called. There have been no visits, no communication, no nothing.
This was my deepest wound.
Even though I have been the family scapegoat, I also feel that I was also the lost child, read more here.
I've Accepted It
It has taken a long time to get here. I believe I have accepted it. I have accepted that my family member and I will never have the type of relationship I deserve, or wanted to have.
It will now just lay there in a permanent state of disarray. I will no longer attempt to fix it.
Every now and again something will come up to challenge it, the boat will rock, and I will address the situation.
Grief and Loss after Narcissistic Abuse
The grief was much wider and lasted longer than anticipated. Really, I had no idea how to grieve, or how long it would last, it was all new to me.
One thing that made it so vast is that it brought with it, other family relationships, from immediate to extended and others in between. This is why narcissistic abuse is so devastating. It’s because you lose people in your life, that were connected to the main party.
Recently I feel I have come to a point where I see it for what it is and have accepted the reality of it.
One of my most popular articles is the 7 Stages of Grief and Loss after Narcissistic Abuse, and although Acceptance is not listed in the 7 Stages, Acceptance should be #8.
Were you the Family Scapegoat?
A similar occurrence occurs with the scapegoat. When the scapegoat is overlooked, criticized, and treated as less than others over and over again by not only caretakers, they can begin to internalize how others treat them over and over again. They can take on self-sabotaging behaviors and may suffer from poor or improper self-esteem. Learn about the dynamics between the Scapegoat and the Golden child, why he relationship is strained, what the Scapegoat can do, why the scapegoat is disrespected (and worse), and even ostracized.
It feels Good To Have Acceptance
It’s like peace is burgeoning its head out of the sand. I can smile again. I am whole, again. I can live my life in a completely different direction and I can plan out my future in a new way.
Where are you on your journey? What stage of the healing and grieving process are you in?