The War for Validation: 3 Reasons Why the Scapegoat and Golden Child Have Relational Turmoil
The following is the content from the podcast episode Disrespect: Why the Golden Child Disrespects the Scapegoat.
Table of Contents
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Introduction
Today we are going to be discussing why disrespect is the method of communication between the golden child and the scapegoat…
Let’s do a little recap first…
Within narcissistic family units, the golden child and the scapegoat child often represent two distinct roles that emerge and persist even into adulthood.
When we talk about these family dynamics within a narcissistic family structure, it helps to bring awareness, it also may bring clarity, and it also may help us understand our own family of origin more and why things are the way they are – especially as adults.
So today, let’s get into it.
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The Role: Golden Child
The golden child is typically raised with excessive praise, validation, and attention, which creates a sense of entitlement and superiority.
The Role: The Scapegoat
In contrast, the scapegoat child is habitually blamed, disrespected and devalued. This fosters feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.
Now, these roles may continue into adulthood, leading the golden child to view themselves as superior and the scapegoat child as inferior.
So, there’s definitely an imbalance between these roles right from the start.
So, disrespect is the chosen language of communication between the two parties because it maintains the imbalance of power from childhood.
Why Does the Golden Child Disrespect the Scapegoat?
Disrespect from the golden child towards the scapegoat child can be due to the golden child’s need to project their own flaws and insecurities onto someone else. (ie. the scapegoat)
The scapegoat, having been labeled as the family problem or troublemaker, becomes an easy target for the golden child’s disrespect.
The scapegoat is already largely disrespected by their family of origin, and so the golden child not only helps to carry out the family’s secret mission, the golden child is earning respect from the family by secretly disrespecting the scapegoat and they are earning their keep, and they maintain the title of “special, wonderful” child.
I say secretly disrespecting the scapegoat, it’s not really secret. It may happen behind closed doors, but the scapegoat will not like the disrespect and may act out. As a child, the scapegoated child may complain, but in the hands of a narcissistic family environment, the scapegoat will not receive the family’s compassion or empathy. The scapegoat will feel neglected, left out, and is taught even from a young age, that the family is not there for them. So they learn coping skills and survival skills, that they will use as they grow up.
When the golden child treats the scapegoat with disdain and disrespect, the golden child can deflect attention away from their own shortcomings, and projection, which will make them feel better, even if for a short moment.
Golden Child is Jealous
The golden child, had to rely on others for validation in their life.
They waited and needed others to provide approval and acceptance.
Rarely could the golden child go against the flow.
They stuck to expected roles not only inside the family, but their strong desire to please (in order to receive the accolades) set them up in a performance mentality with others outside the family unit as well.
They earned love.
It started within their family of origin. They received the accolades. They receive the rewards, and the attention. They became used to this attention, and then they learned to rely upon it. For external validation. They felt worthy when others loudly applauded them.
The scapegoat, since they rarely had the external validation, they needed to acquire it from somewhere, and it was typically done through their own efforts. They developed self-awareness, resilience, and assessed their situation with a proper perspective (although it may even have been skewed)….and tried to move forward, spite being emotionally injured or traumatized.
So because the scapegoat built skills, the golden child became or is currently jealous of the scapegoat, and at any chance will favor toward disrespecting them, so as to bring them down a notch.
Scapegoat: Beware of Internalizing
A similar occurrence occurs with the scapegoat. When the scapegoat is overlooked, criticized, and treated as less than others over and over again by not only caretakers, they can begin to internalize how others treat them over and over again. They can take on self-sabotaging behaviors and may suffer from poor or improper self-esteem. Learn about the dynamics between the Scapegoat and the Golden child, why he relationship is strained, what the Scapegoat can do, why the scapegoat is disrespected (and worse), and even ostracized.
When the golden child brings down the scapegoat, they feel elevated, and worthy to be a human.
You may also see this dynamic outside family units. Have you ever met a friend or colleague that was always putting down someone else? When someone is put down or gossiped about behind their back, the party speaking is feeling elevated for the moment.
Related: Why the Scapegoat and Golden Child Have Strained Relationship
Related: 10 Signs You May Be the Family Scapegoat
Related: 8 Ways Emotional Abuse Survivors Suppress Their Emotions
Related: The Lost Child: 10 Ways To Detect in a Narcissistic Family
Related: 10 Signs of a Narcissistic Mother and How to Handle
Related: Why the Scapegoat Will Never Be Respected – Thinking About Reuniting with Your Narcissistic Family?
Is This Where Competition Begins?
There is competition between these two family roles.
If the golden child is the first born for example, as soon as the scapegoat was born, and they did not receive the same amount of attention, they were not only jealous, but what rose up within them was a competitive spirit.
They were competing for attention. They needed the same amount of attention they had prior.
The golden child’s lifeforce was taken from them.
The scapegoat, since they were used to working hard for any attention they received, the golden child notices any attention the scapegoat receives because it’s like taking power away from them…
The golden child may start to grow a deep-seated envy, even hatred, animosity, jealousy of any of the scapegoats accomplishments, or awards – just for them existing, because it means competition.
They dislike the scapegoat tries to thwart their own independence, they hate the scapegoat can muster up the strength to leave the family home, and/or not needing the family unit. (No contact.)
Validation: The Fight for Accolades
They hate their personal growth, even the optimism and wisdom the scapegoat obtains as they go through life.
So, at every chance, because of the golden child’s desire to be ahead and have all the attention on a constant stream if they can, they must disrespect the scapegoat whenever they can, but keep in mind, it can definitely be discreet disrespect.
They need and want their energy and accolades back.
They believe the scapegoat is not deserving of such, that all the praise belongs to them, and none to the scapegoat.
So, is this the rise of the golden child having narcissistic traits?
It’s a very good question.
Does the Golden Child Become Narcissistic?
In some cases, the golden child may exhibit narcissistic traits, which can further fuel disrespect towards the scapegoat. I will touch on this in another episode, I currently have an article written on it on our website, movingforwardadterabuse.com, check it out when you have some time.
We have covered a lot of information in this episode.
If you grew up in a narcissistic family environment, my heart is absolutely with you. If you are starting to learn about family dynamics, you are welcome here.
This my friends, has been another episode of the Moving Forward with Hope Podcast, we are now accepting collaborators. Visit our website where you will find out more information.
This is Lynn, pick up our latest book, Master Manipulators, Discover Covert Tactics Narcissists Devise to Manipulate, Deceive and Control, available on Kindle, amazon, audio, and on our website. Get it Today.
This is Lynn, I’ll see you in the next one.
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