Why Narcissistic Abuse Is so Devastating The Abuse Cycle
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Table of Contents
A Bird's Eye Viewpoint
At the onset of discovering we have been victims (yes, victim at first) of narcissistic abuse, the initial moment is life-changing. There is a holy moly moment that goes deep to our soul.
It’s breathtaking. It’s knowledge that cannot be undone.
Things start to make sense, yet at the same time nothing makes sense.
It’s a whirlwind of confusing emotions, deep despair, and feeling of hopelessness at first. Utter shock fills the air, and causes everything to stop, everything. Inner turmoil fills the lungs with the understanding of the toxic mess we have been in, and we are absolutely dumb-founded.
Forks and knives fall off the table, cars stop driving. The world stops moving on its axis as we catch our breath. Time stops. The world is silent, yet it’s screaming so loud.
Yet, at the same time as the revelation, it’s a spark of peace. If, for only a second.
This is where the journey begins.
Related: Should I Confront the Narcissist
The Journey
The journey begins by realizing we have been victimized. We have been devastatingly taken advantage of, by those who claimed to have our back and love us, yet their actions showed the complete opposite.
We may be in a marriage, relationship, or this may be from a family member(s). Whatever the source or sources, the impact is life-altering – when we see we have been fed lies and manipulated to extreme levels. We are amazed we didn’t see it, or it took us so long.
I have met and spoken with many, who have been in similar situations, where they didn’t see the abuse and feel they should have known. Manipulation and deception can be hard to detect and many do not see it for years and years.
There is so much to learn, so much to understand, so many questions – once we have discovered we were used as a tool for someone else’s gain. The world has become a dark place.
Devastation
It’s absolutely devastating and heartbreaking to realize that some of our closest loved ones, whether family, friends, whoever we thought had our back, didn’t.
We thought people were genuine because they said they were, but actions proved against it, over and over again. We now see the light, as dim as it is, at first, but there is absolutely hope, and it gets better.
If you are reading this post, and feel you need to talk to someone who can assist with recovery, Online Therapy, is available as a resource. Online Therapy is completely web-based, and has a team of consultant therapists, cognitive behavioral therapists, practitioners along with support staff that collaboratively works to help people in need of emotional support. If this you, and you have been carrying the weight and gravity of your situation alone, please contact Online Therapy today.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, can be characterized according to the Mayo Clinic by:
- Entitlement
- Exaggerated Sense of Self
- Lack of Empathy
Let’s talk about why at the onset of discovering Narcissistic Abuse, it is so devastating. Yet, there is hope as we come out of the fog, this is where the healing and restoration begins.
The three pillars of The Abuse Cycle
When we realize we have been victims of narcissistic abuse for the first time, it’s a shocking discovery and a true light bulb moment. We see what we never saw before. We saw the words that were spoken to us over time that do not add up to actions. We were lied to, betrayed, manipulated, deceived. It wasn’t our fault.
We were caught up in the abuse cycle.
Narcissistic abuse has three stages to keep us hooked until we choose to break it.
Love Bombing Stage
Love bombing is where the abuser or toxic individual lures their target back in. It can be in the form of apologies (false apologies), promises to improve behavior, or even complimentary words, “You look so nice in that!”, false flattery. It’s all to get us sucked back in.
Devaluation Stage
When the devaluation stage occurs, (yes, it is planned by the narcissist), to deliberately cause a stir, so the narcissist can obtain a reaction from you. See, this reaction (aka supply) is what they are seeking. They do not care if it’s positive or negative supply (attention), they just need a reaction. They will do something to piss you off, something big, something small, whatever it is, it’s enough to cause a stir. They may belittle, lie, cause a disturbance, become highly-critical…
The narcissist, is keen to study individuals. They must know what ticks off their target. This is how they know when to pull the strings – and this is why they are master manipulators.
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This devaluation stage sends a signal to you by the narcissist, that you must change your behavior to suit them. You will work harder to please, be nicer, sweeter, go above and beyond, to get recognized, but your attempts to get traction with the narcissist, will not be met.
They will not care that you are nicer, sweeter, or work harder. The narcissist doesn’t really care what actions you do, or do not do. It is all about them being on the receiving end of obtaining attention from what they have caused; they love the drama. This insidiousness is what gives a toxic individual their perceived notion of value and keeps them cycling in the pattern of abuse.
Related: Why the Narcissist Studies You
Discard Stage
The discard stage is when the narcissist, has moved on to another source of supply. Yes, they may keep you as a back-up source, but they are now seeking to spend their time and attention obtaining supply from other sources.
Once keen to this stage in the abuse cycle, we can learn to not react to the narcissist, but instead to respond.
In Conclusion
Once we learn the narcissists game, we can choose our response, instead of reacting. The abuse cycle brings clarity to a confusing situation.
When we realize we have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, it hits at the core of our identity and it’s devastating. We may have had a relationship with someone for years, decades, or grew up in the same household – and then realized the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD and the abuse cycle. At the onset, it’s devastating, but this is where the hope begins. We can learn about the traits to be able to detect and therefore not engage.
Have you seen the narcissists game? Tell us about it in the comments below!