The following is a transcript of our podcast episode 100, a milestone podcast.
Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast
Host: Lynn Nichols
Follow our work beyond the podcast: We publish essays and insights on Medium through our Moving Forward with Hope publication, and you can also find additional content and community updates on our Substack. Join us there to go deeper, connect with others, and support the movement.
Lynn is a heartfelt advocate for personal growth and empowerment, and writes with raw insight on navigating narcissistic abuse, toxic relationships, and sometimes the societal challenges tied to the patriarchy. With a deeply experiential approach, her stories shed light on the emotional complexities of breaking free from toxic patterns and reclaiming one’s voice. L.N. offers fresh perspectives on gender dynamics, self-worth, and healing, encouraging readers to rebuild from within and revolutionize their relationships.
Lynn is also a trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coach and podcast host. She creates videos on her YouTube channel to bring the message of healing and recovery. Learn more on her website here.
You know that feeling… when something is wrong… but you can’t quite put your finger on it? When you’re constantly second-guessing yourself… wondering if you’re being too sensitive… or reading too much into things?
I want to tell you about Sarah. She was a successful marketing director… climbing the corporate ladder… respected by her colleagues. She had a partner who seemed incredibly supportive. He would tell everyone… how proud he was of her achievements. But here’s what was happening… behind closed doors.
The night before her biggest presentation of the year… he would suddenly need to have a serious relationship talk… that went until 3 AM. When she got promoted… he planned a surprise weekend getaway… that conflicted with her team celebration dinner. When she mentioned her work wins at social gatherings… he would immediately redirect the conversation to his own struggles… leaving her feeling selfish for even bringing it up.
Each incident… taken alone… seemed innocent. Caring, even. But together… they formed a pattern so subtle… so carefully orchestrated… that Sarah began to doubt her own perceptions. This isn’t about forgetting events. This is about something far more calculated… and devastating.
This is covert sabotage… and it’s the most insidious form of psychological control you’ll ever encounter.
There’s a saying that behind every unsuccessful person, you’ll often find someone who systematically undermined their potential. Research reveals this isn’t just coincidence or bad luck. When we examine derailed careers, abandoned dreams, and diminished confidence, we frequently discover a pattern of calculated interference. Someone benefits when you don’t reach your full potential. Someone’s sense of power depends on your powerlessness. And understanding this dynamic is crucial to protecting yourself from it.
Welcome back to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast, I’m Lynn, your host.
Today, in this episode, we’re going to talk about four critical things: First… what covert sabotage actually is… and why it’s so hard to detect. Second… why successful women are specifically targeted… and the five signature tactics used against them. Third… the advanced psychological warfare strategies that make you feel like you’re losing your mind. And fourth… what this does to your nervous system… and how to recognize the patterns when they’re designed to be invisible.
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DEFINITION AND CORE PSYCHOLOGY
So let’s start with what covert sabotage actually is. Research defines it as operating in stealth… almost undetectable… undermining ways where actions could almost seem innocent… or accidental. But here’s what makes it so dangerous… the key word is “seem.”
Nothing about covert sabotage is accidental. It’s a calculated psychological warfare tactic… designed to destabilize you… while maintaining plausible deniability. The person doing this can always point to their good intentions… their support… their love for you. And that’s exactly the point.
So what’s going on in the mind of someone who engages in covert sabotage? They’re operating from a place of deep insecurity… masked by an inflated sense of superiority. They have an unconscious understanding… that their false self can only survive… if others are diminished. Your success… your confidence… your achievements… these become existential threats to their carefully constructed identity.
Here’s what’s particularly chilling… they rationalize their behavior to themselves. They’re not sabotaging you… they’re “helping you stay grounded.” They’re not undermining your confidence… they’re “keeping you realistic.” They’re not stealing your spotlight… they’re “balancing the relationship dynamic.”
And why do they target your strengths specifically? Because research shows that individuals with these traits… see potential in others as a direct threat. Instead of mentoring and growing you… they will sabotage you. They must be the center of attention at all times… and your success challenges that fundamental need.
The person engaging in covert sabotage has likely studied you… more carefully than you realize. They know your insecurities… your triggers… your dreams… and your fears. And they use this intimate knowledge as ammunition… deployed with surgical precision… at exactly the moments when it will cause maximum damage… with minimum detectability.
THE TARGETING OF SUCCESSFUL WOMEN
Now let’s talk about something that research is finally catching up to… why successful women are specifically targeted for this type of abuse.
There’s a paradox that therapists see repeatedly… high-powered, successful women finding themselves in relationships with manipulative men. Women who can negotiate million-dollar deals… who lead teams… who are respected in their fields… somehow end up walking on eggshells at home.
This isn’t coincidence. It’s calculated selection.
Here’s what’s happening… manipulative individuals often specifically seek out successful women… because they represent the ultimate prize. Think about it… if you can control and diminish someone who the world sees as powerful and accomplished… imagine how omnipotent that must feel. It’s not enough to control someone who’s already vulnerable… the real prize is breaking down someone who appears unbreakable.
Think about it… if you can control and diminish someone who the world sees as powerful and accomplished… imagine how omnipotent that must feel. It’s not enough to control someone who’s already vulnerable… the real prize is breaking down someone who appears unbreakable. They think… anyone can control someone who’s already broken, but if I can break someone who seems unbreakable, that proves I’m truly superior.
Let me be crystal clear about something… these individuals are not FOR you. They may say they support you, they may tell others how proud they are of your success, they may even convince you that they’re your biggest cheerleader. But that support? It’s a performance. It’s a carefully crafted mask they wear in public while systematically undermining you behind closed doors.
Here’s what makes this so devastating… to everyone else, they look like your greatest ally. They speak glowingly about your achievements at dinner parties. They post supportive comments on your social media. They tell mutual friends how lucky they are to have someone so successful in their life. But behind that facade… they’re studying your calendar… timing their chaos… and strategically dismantling your confidence piece by piece.
This is why it’s so hard to explain to others what’s happening. When you try to tell someone that your seemingly supportive partner is actually sabotaging you… you sound paranoid. When you say that the person who publicly champions your success is privately undermining it… people look at you like you’re imagining things. Because the manipulation is designed to be invisible to everyone except you.
Let me share five signature tactics used specifically against successful women…
First… Career Milestone Sabotage. Research shows these individuals systematically dampen enthusiasm… during moments when we should be celebrating… during graduations… business successes… promotions. They divert focus back to their own needs.
Picture this… You land the biggest client of your career. Instead of celebrating with you… your partner suddenly develops a mysterious illness… that requires your immediate attention and care. Or they pick a fight about something completely unrelated… ensuring that your moment of triumph… is overshadowed by relationship drama. The message is clear… your success is less important than their needs.
Second… Professional Reputation Assassination. This is where they spread false rumors… that lead to missed promotions… projects… and opportunities. They isolate you from your professional network.
They might casually mention to your colleagues… that you’ve been “really stressed lately”… or that “work has been consuming you.” They plant seeds of doubt… about your stability… your priorities… your reliability. And they do it with such apparent concern… that people think they’re being supportive.
Third… Strategic Interference During Critical Moments. They create chaos… right before important presentations… client meetings… or deadlines.
The night before your big presentation… they’ll suddenly need to process a childhood trauma. The morning of your important interview… they’ll create a crisis… that requires your immediate emotional availability. They’ve studied your calendar… and they know exactly when to strike… for maximum impact.
Fourth… Achievement Minimization. They make dismissive comments… about your abilities or achievements… suggesting you’re not as capable or talented… as you truly are.
“It’s just a standard project… anyone could have done that.” “You were lucky the team carried you.” “The market conditions made that sale easy.” They systematically chip away… at your sense of competence… making you question whether your successes are legitimate.
Fifth… Resource and Energy Depletion. Research shows they time their needs… right up until the moment… when you most need support. They manufacture crises that drain your mental and emotional resources… exactly when you need them most for work.
During your busy season… they suddenly can’t function… without constant reassurance. When you’re preparing for a major deadline… they develop urgent relationship concerns… that require hours of discussion. They become emotional vampires… precisely when you can least afford to give.
What makes this particularly devastating… is that each individual incident has plausible deniability. They’re just sharing their feelings. They’re just processing their emotions. They’re just having a bad day. But the pattern reveals the truth… your success is being systematically undermined.
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Let’s recap what we’ve covered so far… We’ve defined covert sabotage as calculated psychological warfare… designed to destabilize you while maintaining plausible deniability. We’ve explored why successful women are specifically targeted… and identified five key tactics… career milestone sabotage… reputation assassination… strategic interference… achievement minimization… and energy depletion. Now let’s dive deeper into the advanced psychological warfare strategies… that make you feel like you’re losing your mind.
ADVANCED PSYCHOLOGICAL TACTICS
Now let’s go into some the sophisticated psychological warfare tactics… that go beyond the obvious. These are the methods… that make you feel like you’re losing your mind.
Information Warfare is perhaps the most subtle… and effective tool in their arsenal. This operates on multiple levels.
First… there’s selective memory and strategic forgetfulness. They remember every slight against them… with perfect clarity… but conveniently forget every promise they made to you… every commitment… every agreement that benefits you. When confronted… they don’t deny… they simply don’t remember. “Are you sure I said that?… I don’t recall agreeing to that.” This makes you question… your own memory… and perception of reality.
Then there’s the “helpful” correction. This is where they subtly rewrite history… by offering minor corrections to your stories… that shift the narrative in their favor. You say you got a standing ovation… after your presentation. They say… “Well… most people stood up… anyway.” You mention how the client loved your proposal. They add… “Though they did seem to have some concerns… about the timeline.” These micro-corrections accumulate over time… slowly eroding your confidence… in your own experiences.
Social sabotage through character assassination… is perhaps the most damaging form of information warfare. They spread subtle doubts about your character… to your social and professional network. Not obvious lies… those could be disproven. Instead… they share “concerns” about you… that are impossible to refute… because they’re presented as caring observations.
The Timing Game is where their true calculating nature becomes evident. They’ve studied you… and they know exactly when to strike… for maximum impact.
Related: The Purpose of the Patriarchy – What are they trying to control or have access to?
Research confirms that these individuals time their sabotage unexpectedly… while appearing supportive… until critical moments. Think about this… they know your cycle. They know when your important meetings are… when your deadlines hit… when you’re most vulnerable to stress. And that’s precisely when they create chaos.
They create artificial urgency… and crisis cycles… that seem to have nothing to do with your schedule… but the correlation is too consistent to be coincidental. Every time you have something important happening… suddenly their world is falling apart… and they need you to fix it.
The coincidence that never is… if you start tracking these incidents… you’ll notice that their emergencies… their emotional breakdowns… their urgent needs… always seem to happen at the worst possible time for you. But when you point this out… you’re accused of being paranoid… or self-centered.
Identity Erosion Through Success Shaming is perhaps the most psychologically damaging tactic… because it attacks the core of who you are.
They study your insecurities… with the focus of a scientist. Every conversation where you’ve shared your fears… your doubts… your areas of sensitivity… becomes data they use against you. They craft micro-aggressions so perfectly targeted… that they hit your deepest wounds… while maintaining complete deniability.
How do they know exactly what to say to make you question everything about yourself? How do they always seem to find the one thing that will hurt you most… and then deliver it with such casual precision that you wonder if you’re being too sensitive? How is it that they can make you feel small and insignificant with just a look… a tone… a perfectly timed comment… while appearing completely innocent to anyone watching?
These aren’t accidents. These aren’t coincidences. This is psychological warfare at its most calculated level… and it’s a hallmark of narcissistic abuse.
Research shows individuals with narcissistic traits are masters at this type of covert manipulation. They have an almost supernatural ability to identify your vulnerabilities… not to help you heal them… but to weaponize them against you. They study you like a science experiment… cataloging your fears… your insecurities… your triggers… and then they use this intimate knowledge as ammunition.
What makes narcissistic abuse so particularly devastating is that these individuals need you to be diminished for them to feel elevated. Your confidence threatens their carefully constructed false self. Your success reminds them of their own inadequacy. So they systematically work to tear down what they can’t authentically build in themselves.
They make you question your competence and intuition… by constantly offering unsolicited advice… subtle corrections… and implications that you’re not seeing the full picture. “Are you sure you want to approach it that way?… Have you considered that maybe you’re being too sensitive?… I just want to make sure you’re not making a mistake.”
Related: Does Partnership require destroying the patriarchy?
They say these things to get under your skin, deliberately. The slow rewrite of your personal narrative… is perhaps the most insidious aspect. Over time… they change the story of who you are. Your confidence becomes arrogance. Your success becomes luck. Your achievements become team efforts… where you played a minor role. They don’t do this through direct confrontation… they do it through a thousand tiny suggestions… implications… and subtle redirections.
Here’s what makes this so effective… they’re not telling you who you are. They’re asking questions… that make you tell yourself. “Don’t you think you might be overthinking this?… Isn’t it possible that you’re being a bit dramatic?… Could it be that you’re not seeing this clearly?” They turn your own mind against you… making you the author… of your own diminishment.
The goal isn’t just to control you… it’s to make you control yourself. To make you so uncertain of your own perceptions… your own abilities… your own worth… that you voluntarily hand over your power to them. And the most tragic part? You’ll thank them for it… because by that point… you genuinely believe they’re the only ones… who can see you clearly.
Do you see how subtle and manipulative this is? Do you see the covert sabotage here?
This is psychological warfare at its most sophisticated level… and understanding these tactics… is the first step in recognizing them… when they’re being used against you.
THE RIPPLE EFFECTS ON YOUR SYSTEM
Now let’s talk about what this does to your body and brain… because covert sabotage isn’t just psychological… it’s neurological… and physical.
When you’re subjected to ongoing covert sabotage… your nervous system is under constant threat. Research shows that chronic psychological abuse… actually changes your brain structure. The hippocampus… which is responsible for memory and learning… begins to shrink. Meanwhile… the amygdala… which houses primitive emotions like fear and anxiety… becomes enlarged… and hyperactive.
What does this mean in practical terms? Your ability to trust your own memory… becomes compromised… which is exactly what the saboteur wants. You become hypervigilant… constantly scanning for threats… constantly second-guessing yourself. Your nervous system is stuck… in a chronic state of fight-or-flight… flooding your body with stress hormones… like cortisol.
The physical manifestations are real… and measurable. Chronic pain… digestive issues… autoimmune responses… your body is literally attacking itself… because it can’t distinguish between the psychological threat… and a physical one. Many survivors develop conditions like rheumatoid arthritis… chronic fatigue… and inflammatory disorders. This isn’t psychosomatic… this is your immune system responding to chronic stress… by turning against your own tissues.
But here’s what makes covert sabotage particularly damaging… you can’t point to the abuse. When someone hits you… you have bruises. When someone screams at you… you have witnesses. But when someone covertly sabotages you… you have nothing but your own growing sense… that something is wrong.
This is why victims often struggle to explain what happened. They say things like… “He never hit me”… or “She was always so supportive”… because the abuse is nearly invisible. You find yourself making excuses for the abuser… even to yourself… because the alternative is acknowledging… that someone who claims to love you… has been systematically destroying you.
Research confirms that victims feel further alienated… due to the covert nature of the abuse. When you try to explain what’s happening… people look at you like you’re paranoid. “But they seem so caring,” they say. “Are you sure you’re not being too sensitive?” This social invalidation compounds the original trauma… making you feel even more isolated… and uncertain.
Your decision-making abilities become compromised… because you’re operating from a chronically dysregulated nervous system. When your brain is constantly in survival mode… your prefrontal cortex… the part responsible for executive function… planning… and rational decision-making… goes offline. You find yourself making choices… you never would have made before… accepting treatment you never would have tolerated… because your capacity for clear thinking… has been systematically eroded.
The insidious nature of this abuse means… that by the time you recognize what’s happening… the damage to your nervous system… is already significant. Your body has been living in a war zone… even if your mind didn’t realize… it was under attack.
Understanding this isn’t about blame or shame… it’s about validation. Your body’s responses are normal reactions… to abnormal treatment. Your confusion… your exhaustion… your difficulty trusting yourself… these aren’t character flaws. They’re evidence that you’ve survived something… that was designed to break you.
Recognition and Patterns
So how do you recognize what’s happening… when it’s designed to be invisible? The key is learning to trust patterns… over individual incidents.
Start with timing. Covert saboteurs aren’t random in their chaos… they’re strategic. Begin documenting when their crises occur… in relation to your important events. You’ll likely discover that their emergencies… have an uncanny correlation… with your opportunities. This isn’t paranoia… this is data.
Advanced pattern recognition means… looking beyond the surface content of their behavior… to the underlying function. Don’t focus on what they’re saying or doing… focus on the impact. Does their behavior consistently leave you feeling confused… depleted… or off-balance? Do their “supportive” actions somehow always result… in your dreams being delayed… or diminished? The impact reveals the intention.
The documentation advantage cannot be overstated. Keep a private record of incidents… not for legal purposes… but for your own clarity. Write down what happened… when it happened… and how you felt. Over time… you’ll see patterns that are invisible… when you’re living through them day by day.
Building internal validation systems means… learning to trust your body’s responses. Your nervous system is an incredible threat-detection system. If you consistently feel anxious… depleted… or confused around someone… that’s information. Your body often recognizes covert abuse… before your mind does.
Why your body always knows first… your nervous system responds to micro-expressions… vocal tones… and energy signatures… that your conscious mind misses. That inexplicable feeling of dread… before they come home… that knot in your stomach when they offer to “help”… with something important… these aren’t random anxiety responses. They’re your system recognizing patterns of threat… that your mind hasn’t consciously identified yet.
Trust the accumulation of small incidents… over the explanation of individual ones. Covert saboteurs are masters… at making each incident seem reasonable… when viewed in isolation. But abuse is a pattern… not an event. It’s the repetition that reveals the intention.
Learn to recognize the gap… between their words… and the energy behind them. Someone can say all the right things… while their energy communicates the opposite. Your nervous system picks up on this incongruence… even when your mind wants to believe the words.
The goal isn’t to become suspicious of everyone… it’s to become literate in the language of manipulation… so you can recognize it… when it’s being used against you. Knowledge is power… and pattern recognition is protection. recognize the gap between their words and the energy behind them. Someone can say all the right things while their energy communicates the opposite. Your nervous system picks up on this incongruence even when your mind wants to believe the words.
The goal isn’t to become suspicious of everyone – it’s to become literate in the language of manipulation so you can recognize it when it’s being used against you. Knowledge is power, and pattern recognition is protection.
If You are Listening to the Episode:
If you’re listening to this… and recognizing these patterns in your own life… I want you to know something: it takes incredible strength… to see clearly… when someone has been systematically trying… to cloud your vision. The fact that you’re questioning these dynamics… isn’t evidence that you’re paranoid… it’s evidence that your intuition… is stronger than their manipulation.
Moving from victim to informed survivor… begins with validation. What you experienced was real. The confusion you feel… is a normal response… to abnormal treatment. The effects on your nervous system… your health… your sense of self… these are measurable… documented consequences of psychological abuse. You’re not making it up… and you’re not too sensitive.
The research is clear… these effects are real and measurable. Brain scans show the neurological impact. Blood tests reveal the inflammatory markers. Your body keeps the score… even when your mind has been told to ignore it.
Recovery is possible… This isn’t just about hurt feelings… or relationship problems… this is about systematic psychological warfare… designed to destabilize your sense of reality… and self-worth.
The goal isn’t just to control you… it’s to make you control yourself. To make you so uncertain of your own perceptions… your own abilities… your own worth… that you voluntarily hand over your power to them. And the most tragic part? You’ll thank them for it… because by that point… you genuinely believe they’re the only ones… who can see you clearly.
This is psychological warfare at its most sophisticated level… and understanding these tactics… is the first step in recognizing them… when they’re being used against you.
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This is Lynn and this has been another episode of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast, thank you for listening. Drop a positive review if you are enjoying our show. I’ll catch you in the next one.
Legal Disclaimer
This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. The content shared is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please seek help from a qualified professional or contact a local crisis hotline.
Additional Reading and Resources:
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (referenced in Stanford Encyclopedia) – https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/ethics-manipulation/
Dana Foundation – https://dana.org/article/the-abused-brain/
Nature Scientific Reports – https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-023-46512-2
PMC (PubMed Central): Brain Structure Changes (Hippocampus & Amygdala) – https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4760853/
Psychological Manipulation: EBSCO Research Starters – https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/health-and-medicine/psychological-manipulation
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