Podcast Episode: The Awakening – When You Realize It’s Not Just Your Partner
A journey from personal pain to systemic understanding
Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast
Host: Lynn Nichols
Follow our work beyond the podcast: We publish essays and insights on Medium through our Moving Forward with Hope publication, and you can also find additional content and community updates on our Substack. Join us there to go deeper, connect with others, and support the movement.
Lynn is a heartfelt advocate for personal growth and empowerment, and writes with raw insight on navigating narcissistic abuse, toxic relationships, and sometimes the societal challenges tied to the patriarchy. With a deeply experiential approach, her stories shed light on the emotional complexities of breaking free from toxic patterns and reclaiming one’s voice. L.N. offers fresh perspectives on gender dynamics, self-worth, and healing, encouraging readers to rebuild from within and revolutionize their relationships.
Lynn is also a trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coach and podcast host. She creates videos on her YouTube channel to bring the message of healing and recovery. Learn more on her website here.
Every System
You thought it was just them. Your partner… your boss… your ex. You finally discovered narcissistic manipulation, had a name for what you’d been living through… and it felt like someone had thrown open a door you didn’t even know existed.
But then… something really unsettling started happening.
You began noticing the exact same patterns… everywhere. The same tactics your toxic partner used… showing up in courtrooms. The same gaslighting… coming from your doctor. The same manipulation… happening at work, at church, even with your closest friends.
And suddenly this terrifying question starts forming in your mind… What if this isn’t just about one sick individual? What if… what if the whole system is designed this way?
Welcome back to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast everyone. I’m Lynn your host, and… okay, I’m not gonna lie to you. Today’s episode is heavy. Like… really heavy. But it’s also going to be the most validating hour you’ve spent in a long time.
Disclaimer
Before we dive in, I want to give you a heads up about today’s content. This episode deals with heavy topics including narcissistic manipulation, financial control, emotional trauma, workplace harassment, religious institutional betrayal, legal system abuse, medical gaslighting, and systemic oppression. We’ll be discussing experiences that may be triggering for survivors of toxic relationships, workplace harassment, domestic violence, economic abuse, or institutional betrayal.If you’re currently in an unsafe situation, experiencing ongoing manipulation, or feeling overwhelmed by these topics, please prioritize your safety and wellbeing. You can always pause this episode and come back to it when you’re in a better headspace. Trust your instincts about what you can handle right now.
There are resources listed in our show notes if you need immediate support, and remember that healing isn’t linear. Take care of yourself first, always.
Today, we’re talking about that moment… that earth-shattering moment… when you realize narcissistic manipulation isn’t just happening in your relationship. It’s embedded in every single institution around us. We’re going to explore how the same tactics that nearly destroyed your sanity in your personal life… are actually the foundation of how our entire society operates.
I know… I know that sounds dramatic. But stick with me here because…..by the end of this episode, you’re going to see patterns you never noticed before. And honestly? It’s going to change everything.
So grab your coffee, get comfortable, and let’s dive into this together…
The Awakening Moment
So here you are… finally understanding what happened to you. You’ve got the vocabulary now – love bombing, gaslighting, triangulation. You can name the tactics that made you feel like you were losing your mind.
And for a while, that feels… liberating, right? Like, finally… someone gets it. Finally, there’s an explanation for why you felt so crazy, so trapped, so… invisible.
But then… …something weird starts happening.
You’re sitting in family court, watching your ex work his charm on the judge… and you’re thinking, “Wait a minute. This feels… familiar.” He’s painting you as the unstable one, making himself look reasonable and concerned… and the judge is buying it. Hook, line, and sinker.
Or maybe you’re at work, and your boss is doing that thing again… you know, where they promise you the world in public, then tear you down in private. And you’re thinking… “Didn’t my ex do exactly this?”
Or you go to your doctor, exhausted and anxious, trying to explain what you’ve been through… and they hand you a prescription and suggest maybe you’re “overthinking things.” And you walk out feeling… gaslit. Again.
That’s when it hits you, isn’t it? This sick feeling in your stomach when you realize… Oh my God. It’s not just him. It’s… everywhere.
And honestly? That realization is both terrifying… and weirdly validating. Because you start to understand that you weren’t crazy. You weren’t weak. You were dealing with something much bigger than one toxic person.
Related: Alexithymia
You were up against… a system.
“Wait… I’m Trapped by Money Too”
Let’s start with something that… God, this one hits so close to home for almost everyone listening. You couldn’t leave because you couldn’t afford to. Simple as that.
Maybe you didn’t have your own bank account… or your own credit… or even your own car. You thought this was just… I don’t know, poor planning on your part? Like you should’ve been more financially independent?
Here’s what’s going to blow your mind… and I mean really mess with your head. Ready for this? 93% of people experiencing financial manipulation lack access to their own money. 93 percent. Most of them get cash allowances… like children… and have to account for every penny they spend.
But wait… there’s more. Globally… get this… over 2.7 billion women are legally restricted from having the same job choices as men. Billion. With a B.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking. “But I have a job. I make my own money. This doesn’t apply to me.” And you’re right… sort of. Many women today do have more financial options than our mothers or grandmothers did.
But here’s what’s really twisted about modern financial manipulation…
The trap has evolved.
Your partner might not prevent you from working anymore… that would be too obvious, right? Instead, he shows up at your workplace during important meetings. He creates chaos at home the night before your big presentation… so you’re too exhausted to perform well. He convinces you to put the house in his name… “for tax purposes,” of course.
Does any of this sound… familiar?
I remember talking to Angela… she worked at a car dealership, dealing with harassment every single day. When she finally reported it, you know what management told her? “Boys will be boys. Maybe you should lighten up a little.”
After four months of that, she took a pay cut… a pay cut… to work as a teacher’s assistant at eight dollars an hour. Eight. Dollars. An hour.
That’s not coincidence, folks. That’s the system working exactly as designed.
And just when women started gaining some financial ground… guess what’s happening? Laws restricting reproductive choices… forcing women into unplanned pregnancies that derail careers. Cuts to childcare funding… trapping women at home. Attacks on no-fault divorce laws… making it financially devastating to leave a toxic marriage.
In many states right now… as we speak… legislators are actively working to eliminate no-fault divorce. They want to make it harder and more expensive for women to leave harmful relationships.
It’s like they’re taking notes from your manipulator’s playbook.
“Even My Church Told Me to Submit and Forgive”
Oh… this one. This one makes my blood boil every single time.
Maybe the most devastating betrayal of all… seeking help from your faith community, only to be told that your role was to be more submissive. More forgiving. More… Christ-like in your suffering.
“Marriage is sacred,” they said. “Have you prayed about this? Maybe God is using this to teach you patience.”
Are you kidding me?
You were told that leaving would mean giving up on God’s plan. That your partner’s harmful behavior was something you needed to pray through… rather than a dangerous pattern requiring immediate intervention.
Some religious leaders even suggested… and I can barely say this without getting angry… that your failure to be a “good enough” wife was somehow contributing to the manipulation you were experiencing.
Let that sink in for a minute…
Here’s what’s actually happening. Religious institutions… particularly those with traditional hierarchical structures… can inadvertently enable toxic behavior through teachings that prioritize submission and forgiveness over safety and wellbeing.
But let me ask you something… why don’t these institutions teach you how to detect manipulation or toxicity? Why isn’t “recognizing harmful behavior” part of Sunday school curriculum?
Could it be… and this is just a thought… because many religious institutions engage in the same or similar control tactics? Think about it. If you learned to recognize manipulation, gaslighting, and power plays… you might start noticing them in the very institution trying to teach you. And then what? They might lose your attendance, your giving, your donations… their reputation.
Do they lack training on purpose? Or perhaps they claim to not know… When religious authority figures say they lack training in recognizing harmful patterns… is that really the case? Or is it more convenient to remain willfully ignorant about dynamics that might implicate their own power structures?
But is anyone holding HIM accountable? Anyone?
Instead, you get platitudes like “Well, if you weren’t so argumentative, maybe he wouldn’t have to raise his voice.” Or “Perhaps if you were more supportive of his leadership in the home…” or my personal favorite… “Have you considered what you might be doing to provoke this behavior?”
You know what? I need to share something with you here. I don’t usually get this personal, but… this hits too close to home not to.
I grew up in the evangelical church. I graduated from a Christian university. I was even studying to be a missionary. I lived and breathed this stuff for decades.
When I finally got married at 40… and my husband and I started having serious issues… we went to the pastor who had married us. He was a good friend of my husband’s, which should have been my first red flag. We went to his house… thinking he would understand, thinking he could help us work through what was happening.
I’m sitting there in their living room, trying to explain what’s happening in my marriage… the manipulation, the control, the way I’m being treated… and you know what this pastor says to me?
He asks if I’m just upset about… get this… whiskers in the sink. Beard trimmings. From my husband’s shaving.
I had never… not once… mentioned anything about whiskers in a sink. That had never even come up. But there he was, reducing my legitimate concerns about manipulation and toxic behavior to… housekeeping complaints.
He was minimizing. He was dismissing. He was gaslighting me just like my husband was.
But here’s the part that still gives me chills… His wife. This dear woman who had been sitting there in silence the whole time… as we’re walking to our cars in the parking lot, she pulls me aside.
She gives me a hug and whispers in my ear… “You’re going to need to find someone else who understands and can handle the real relationship dynamic you’re dealing with.”
She knew. She understood exactly what was happening. But she was held in silence… couldn’t speak up in front of her husband, couldn’t contradict the pastor’s authority in his own home.
But she found a way to give me the direction I needed. And I will be forever grateful for her courage… and her wisdom.
That’s when I realized… the very institution I had devoted my life to… was protecting my abuser and silencing those who wanted to help me.
This is where the cracks in this system started for me.
“My Boss Uses the Exact Same Tactics…”
And speaking of institutions that protect manipulators while silencing victims… let’s talk about the workplace.
Okay, raise your hand if you’ve had this realization… and I know you can’t actually raise your hands, but I bet half of you just nodded.
That moment when you’re sitting at work, and you realize… your narcissistic boss operates with the exact same playbook as your toxic partner.
The love bombing when you started the job… “You’re exactly what this company needs! We’re so lucky to have you!”
The gradual devaluation… suddenly nothing you do is right.
The public humiliation… calling you out in meetings for things that aren’t even your fault.
The gaslighting about what was “really” said in conversations…
Sound familiar?
Here’s a statistic that’s going to make you feel… well, probably angry, but also less alone. In a study of 40 people who experienced narcissistic manipulation in workplace environments… 95% of attempts to expose their manipulator were unsuccessful.
95 percent.
Even when they collected evidence for months… sometimes years… it still wasn’t enough.
Has this happened to you?
Let me tell you about Mark’s experience… and see if this sounds like your story too.
He was welcomed with open arms… promises of amazing success and rewards. Within three weeks… three weeks… the micromanagement began. Half a dozen calls per day, checking up on him. Then a dozen calls. When he needed resources to do his job… denied.
When he sought help from a workplace advocate… she personally knew his manipulator and refused to believe anything harmful was happening. “I know her,” she said. “She would never do that.”
Doesn’t that just make your skin crawl? The same denial… the same protection of the toxic person?
Here’s what’s really happening. Traditional power structures reward narcissistic traits when they’re labeled as “leadership” and “confidence.” What you experienced as manipulation… organizations celebrate as “strong leadership.”
And here’s where it gets really disturbing… 50% of women leave tech jobs before age 35. Half. Before they even reach the midpoint of their careers.
Women are leaving tech at a 45% higher rate than men. And get this… 43% of women in tech think about leaving their role at least once a week. Every. Single. Week.
You want to know why? 78% of women in tech feel they have to work harder than male colleagues just to prove their worth. And when it comes to promotions? Only 52 women are promoted for every 100 men in tech… compared to 87 women per 100 men in other industries.
The system isn’t just failing women… it’s actively pushing them out.
Women hold only 28% of managerial positions globally. The same percentage as 1995. We’re not moving backward… but we’re sure not moving forward either.
It’s like the system found its sweet spot… just enough progress to prevent rebellion… not enough to actually change anything.
Even My Doctor Didn’t Believe Me…
This one….this one hits different, doesn’t it?
You drag yourself to the doctor’s office… exhausted, anxious, maybe having panic attacks. You try to explain what’s been happening at home. You’re hoping… praying… that someone with medical training will see the signs.
Instead… you get a prescription for antidepressants and a gentle suggestion that maybe you’re “overthinking things.”
Healthcare systems often miss the real problem entirely… while pathologizing the victim. The hypervigilance, the confusion, the self-doubt that comes from narcissistic manipulation… these get misinterpreted without understanding the context.
I think about Melissa’s story all the time. She came to therapy displaying every single sign of narcissistic manipulation… but couldn’t clearly define her experience. She felt, in her words, “covered in a shroud that no one else can see and that no one else wears.”
Can you imagine feeling that isolated? That invisible?
And here’s the really twisted part… manipulative people have learned to weaponize the healthcare system. They file petitions for involuntary commitment. They use mental health concerns to discredit their victims in custody battles.
They’ve turned the very systems meant to help you… into weapons against you.
Women’s complaints have historically been dismissed as “emotional” or “hysterical.” This isn’t medical oversight, folks. This is a feature… not a bug… of a system that serves manipulators perfectly.
My Friends… They Chose Him
Oh… this one might hurt the most.
The isolation… it hurt almost as much as the manipulation itself, didn’t it? Your mutual friends believed his version of events. They saw his charm, his success, his “reasonableness”… compared to your “emotional instability.”
You lost your entire social network… overnight.
Here’s what you’re starting to understand now… Many women unknowingly support these power structures by policing other women’s behavior. We’re taught to compete with each other for male validation… instead of recognizing we’re all dealing with the same systemic issues.
We’re conditioned to seek male approval as a measure of our self-worth… which reinforces hierarchies where men’s opinions matter more than our own experiences.
Systems that prioritize “keeping the peace” and avoiding conflict… inadvertently silence those who speak up about harmful behavior. When institutions care more about protecting their reputation than protecting individuals… they create environments where speaking up feels more dangerous than staying silent.
Your friends weren’t necessarily bad people… They were products of the same system that taught you to doubt your own reality.
But that doesn’t make it hurt any less, does it?
And what if it was your friends, that you had before the marriage, also took his side, and blamed you, that is a whole other layer of devastation.
“Wait… The Courts Did the SAME Thing to Me”
And now… we get to the big one. The legal system.
You’re sitting in family court… watching your ex charm the judge while painting you as the unstable one. You thought it was just bad luck… maybe an inexperienced attorney.
But then you start hearing the same story… from woman after woman after woman.
Manipulative people systematically weaponize the legal system. Frivolous lawsuits designed to drain your bank account. False accusations that force you into a defensive position. Procedural manipulation that drags things out for months… or years.
They use discovery requests to share embarrassing information about you. They file protection orders when there’s been no contact. They make false reports to Child Protective Services.
Family courts are particularly vulnerable because narcissists view the courtroom as just another stage… another opportunity to demonstrate their power while victimizing their target.
Sarah’s story breaks my heart. Her ex filed motion after motion… delaying proceedings for months while she hemorrhaged money on legal fees. When she finally got a restraining order… he violated it repeatedly. But somehow… somehow… the police always believed his version of events.
Does that sound familiar? Because it should.
This isn’t a coincidence. Systems designed around traditional power structures enable harmful behavior to continue… by prioritizing those with resources, charm, and social connections over those seeking protection.
You’re not crazy. The system really is working against you.
Let’s Pause and Process This
Okay everyone… I want to stop here for a moment. We’ve covered a lot of ground, and I know this is heavy stuff. I can almost feel the weight of recognition through the screen.
Let me recap what we’ve discussed so far… because I want to make sure we’re all on the same journey together.
We’ve explored how the same manipulation tactics you experienced in your personal relationship show up in every major system around us:
- Financial systems that trap women through sophisticated economic control… even when they have jobs
- Religious institutions that use spiritual authority to silence victims and promote submission to harmful behavior
- Workplace environments that reward narcissistic behavior as “leadership”… while making it nearly impossible to expose manipulation
- Healthcare systems that pathologize victims instead of recognizing patterns of harm
- Social networks that choose the charming manipulator over the “difficult” victim
- Legal systems that become weapons for continued harm through procedural manipulation
The pattern we’re seeing is this… Every institution that should protect victims is instead structured to protect manipulators. This isn’t a coincidence. This isn’t a series of unfortunate design flaws.
And now… now we’re going to dig into the hardest question of all. The one that’s probably been nagging at you this whole time…
Why? Why is the system so fundamentally stacked against women?
Are you ready to go deeper? Because this next part… this is where it all comes together. This is where the pieces of the puzzle finally start making sense.
But Why? Why Is the System So Against Women?
This might be the hardest question you’ll ever face. You’ve seen the patterns… you understand the mechanics… but the deeper question haunts you.
Why? Why would half of humanity systematically design systems to disadvantage the other half?
I’m going to be brutally honest with you here… because you deserve the truth.
These systems weren’t created by accident. They were designed… intentionally designed… by those who benefited from them during eras when physical strength determined survival and control.
What began as survival strategies in ancient societies became institutionalized power structures that persist long after their original purpose became obsolete.
Here’s where it gets really ugly…
Women’s unpaid labor has always been the foundation of economic systems. Always. Globally, women perform more than three-quarters of unpaid care and domestic work. If this labor were assigned a monetary value… it would exceed up to 40% of GDP in some countries.
Forty percent. Of GDP.
The system isn’t broken, folks. It’s working exactly as intended… extracting massive economic value from women’s uncompensated labor.
But there’s also a psychological component here that’s… honestly, it’s disturbing. Research shows that traditional masculine identity has been constructed in opposition to feminine traits. For many men, maintaining superiority over women isn’t just about resources… it’s about psychological identity.
Admitting women’s equality would require dismantling not just systems… but their entire sense of self.
Can you imagine having to rebuild your entire identity because you realized it was based on the oppression of others? That’s a devastating psychological reckoning most people will fight to avoid.
And here’s perhaps the most telling part… There’s evidence that many men fear what equality might actually look like. If women have been oppressed for millennia and they achieve equal power… will they seek revenge?
This fear drives much of the resistance to women’s advancement. It’s not just about losing privilege… it’s about fear of retribution.
The brutal bottom line? The system is against women because it was designed to be. It wasn’t created to be fair or just… it was created to concentrate power and resources in the hands of those who built it.
Women’s subjugation isn’t a bug in the system… it’s the foundation the entire system is built on.
The Moment Everything Clicks
What you’re seeing isn’t just institutional dysfunction. This is women’s subjugation. This is the systematic disempowerment of women, designed and maintained to keep us dependent, silent, and controllable.
Dependent – on a man for financial security, on institutions that don’t serve us, on systems that require male approval for our basic needs. Dependent so we can’t leave, can’t speak up, can’t make independent choices about our own lives.
Silent – about the abuse we experience, about the discrimination we face, about the patterns we see. Silent because speaking up gets us labeled as difficult, emotional, or crazy. Silent because the cost of truth-telling is losing everything we depend on.
Controllable – through economic manipulation that keeps us struggling. Through legal systems that punish us for resisting. Through religious teachings that demand our submission. Through workplace cultures that push us out when we get too powerful. Through medical systems that drug us instead of believing us.
The financial traps that keep you from leaving – that’s women’s subjugation. The legal system’s bias toward charming male defendants – that’s women’s subjugation. The religious demand for submission and endless forgiveness – that’s women’s subjugation. The workplace harassment that pushes us out of positions of power – that’s women’s subjugation. The medical system that dismisses our pain as emotional – that’s women’s subjugation.
The narcissistic abuse tactics you experienced personally – the gaslighting, the financial control, the isolation, the discrediting – these aren’t random cruelties. They’re the building blocks of women’s subjugation, scaled up and institutionalized to keep all women powerless.
It’s to tear apart your mind, to make you think you are going crazy.
Every single pattern we’ve discussed serves the same purpose: keeping women dependent, keeping women silent, keeping women from recognizing our collective power. This is how women’s subjugation works – not through obvious oppression, but through systems that appear neutral while systematically disadvantaging us at every turn.
Now, we know why grandma told us to make and have our own money.
You’re starting to see it now, aren’t you? Traditional power structures operate using the exact same tactics as individual manipulators… just on a massive, societal scale.
The same dynamics that enabled your personal trauma are embedded in institutions that are supposed to help and protect people.
But here’s what’s becoming crystal clear…these systems don’t maintain themselves. They require active participation from those who hold power within them.
While many people unconsciously participate in these patterns… those in positions of authority make conscious choices every single day about whether to challenge or reinforce these dynamics.
When male-dominated legislative bodies pass laws restricting women’s reproductive autonomy… when male-dominated corporate boards consistently promote other men to leadership positions… when male judges consistently side with charming male defendants over their female accusers…
These aren’t accidents of history. These are present-day decisions made by people with full awareness of their impact.
Every time a man in power dismisses a woman’s concerns as “emotional”… every time a male executive hires another man because he’s a “better cultural fit”… every time a male politician votes against policies that would support survivors…
He’s actively choosing to maintain a system that benefits him at others’ expense.
The fierce opposition we see when women push for equality? That reveals that many of these choices are deliberate… not unconscious.
When men control 72% of managerial positions globally… when they make up 76% of legislators worldwide… when they hold 83% of federal judgeships… they have the collective power to transform these systems.
The fact that meaningful change has stalled for decades isn’t due to lack of awareness. It’s due to active resistance from those who benefit from the status quo.
And here’s the connection that’s going to hit you like a lightning bolt…
The same mentality that allowed your partner to manipulate and control you… is the exact same mentality that drives legislative attacks on women’s rights, judicial bias against victims, and corporate cultures that silence harassment reports.
These aren’t different problems. They’re the same problem… manifesting at different levels.
What This Means for You
I know this realization is overwhelming. You thought you were dealing with one sick individual… and now you’re seeing that the sickness goes all the way up.
The courts, the workplace, the medical system, even your social circle… they’re all operating from the same playbook.
But here’s what I need you to understand… You are not alone, and you are not crazy.
Every pattern you recognized in your personal relationship exists because it’s being rewarded and protected by larger systems. The statistics validate everything you experienced:
- Globally, 30% of women have reported physical or sexual partner violence
- 15% of women experience economic manipulation in relationships
- Research shows a significant positive relationship between narcissism and intimate partner violence
You’re waking up. And once you see these systems clearly… you can’t be gaslit by them anymore.
You understand why leaving was so hard… why no one believed you… why you felt like you were fighting an invisible enemy.
Because you were fighting a system designed by and for people who think like your manipulator… and that system is still being actively maintained by people who benefit from keeping it exactly as it is.
The institutions aren’t going to save you… because the people running them have no incentive to dismantle the very structures that gave them power.
But understanding this dynamic can save you from continuing to expect justice from systems designed to protect those who harmed you.
Your healing happens when you stop seeking validation from institutions run by people who share your manipulator’s mentality… and start building support networks with those who recognize these patterns for what they are.
You’re not the problem. You never were. The problem is a system that concentrates power in the hands of people who consistently choose their own advantage over others’ safety.
Your toxic partner was simply operating within a framework that rewards exactly his type of behavior.
Recognizing this isn’t about blame… it’s about clarity. And clarity…..clarity is the foundation of real freedom.
Conclusion: The Same Playbook, Different Scale
Now you see it, don’t you? The patterns that devastated you in your personal relationship weren’t unique to your manipulator. They were tactics from a much larger playbook… one that’s been used to maintain power structures for millennia.
Let me walk you through this… because once you see these connections, everything changes forever.
The Love Bombing and Idealization: Remember how your partner initially put you on a pedestal? Made you feel special and chosen? Society does this to women too. We’re told we’re “sugar and spice and everything nice”… naturally more nurturing, more pure, more moral.
We’re idealized as mothers… as the “heart of the home”… as naturally selfless caregivers.
This idealization feels good initially… but it’s actually a trap. Because the moment we step outside these narrow roles… we’re punished.
The Devaluation: Just as your manipulator gradually began picking apart everything you did… society systematically devalues women’s contributions. Women’s work is paid less, respected less, taken less seriously.
Our emotional responses are labeled “hysterical.” Our leadership is called “bossy.” Our anger is “unbecoming.”
The same systematic erosion of worth you experienced personally… happens to women collectively.
The Gaslighting: Your partner made you question your own reality, your own perceptions, your own memories. Society does this to women on a massive scale.
When we report harassment… we’re told we “misunderstood.” When we point out inequality… we’re told we’re “being dramatic.” When we document toxic behavior… we’re told we’re “too emotional” to be reliable witnesses.
The phrase “boys will be boys” is societal gaslighting… normalizing behavior that would be unacceptable if we truly saw it clearly.
The Isolation: Your manipulator worked to cut you off from friends, family, support systems that might help you see the situation clearly. Society does this by keeping women financially dependent, geographically scattered, and competing with each other instead of organizing together.
Women are taught to see other women as competition for male attention… rather than allies against systemic oppression.
The Double Standards: Your partner had one set of rules for himself and another for you. Society has one set of rules for men and another for women.
Men who are assertive are “natural leaders.” Women who are assertive are “difficult.”
Men who have multiple partners are “players.” Women who have multiple partners are… well, you know the words they use.
The Financial Control: Your manipulator controlled your access to money, your ability to work, your economic independence. Society does this through wage gaps, hiring discrimination, lack of affordable childcare, and laws that restrict women’s economic choices.
The fact that 2.7 billion women are legally restricted from having the same job choices as men… that’s not coincidence. That’s systemic financial control.
The Smear Campaigns: When you tried to leave or expose your manipulator… he launched campaigns to destroy your reputation, turning people against you. Society does this to women who challenge the system.
They’re labeled as “man-haters” or “too ambitious.” Women who report toxic behavior face character assassination. Women who run for office face scrutiny about their appearance, their family choices, their likability… in ways men never do.
The Hoovering: Your partner would periodically offer just enough kindness, just enough hope, to keep you trapped in the cycle. Society does this by occasionally throwing women symbolic victories… a few more women in leadership, a new law that looks protective…
Just enough to prevent complete despair… but never enough to actually dismantle the system.
The Discard: When your manipulator was done with you… you were discarded like you never mattered. Society discards women when they’re no longer useful.
When they age out of desirability… when they can no longer bear children… when they become “difficult” to manage.
Older women become invisible. Mothers are pushed out of careers. Women who speak up are labeled “problematic” and pushed aside.
Just as you eventually saw your personal manipulator clearly… you’re now seeing the systemic manipulator clearly.
The same lack of empathy… the same entitlement… the same manipulation tactics… the same cycle of harmful behavior.
It’s all there… just operating on a scale so large it seemed like “just the way things are.”
Your Awakening Is Your Power: Understanding that your personal experience was part of a much larger pattern doesn’t diminish your individual trauma… it validates it.
You weren’t crazy. You weren’t weak. You weren’t imagining it.
You were experiencing on a personal level the same tactics that have been used to control women for centuries.
But here’s what’s different… Once you see the pattern, you can’t be controlled by it anymore. Whether it’s a manipulative partner or a manipulative system… the tactics only work when you don’t recognize them.
Your awakening to the personal manipulation prepared you to see the systemic manipulation. And seeing it clearly… that’s the first step to refusing to participate in your own oppression.
The system that protected your manipulator is the same system that’s been protecting toxic people for millennia. But every woman who wakes up… who sees clearly… who refuses to be gaslit or controlled or discarded…
She’s breaking the cycle. Not just for herself… but for every woman who comes after her.
Your personal healing and your political awakening aren’t separate journeys. They’re the same journey. And both lead to the same destination… freedom.
Wow… we covered a lot of ground today, didn’t we?
I know this was heavy. I know it might be overwhelming to see these patterns so clearly laid out. But I hope… I really hope… that what you’re taking away from this isn’t despair.
It’s clarity. It’s validation. It’s the understanding that you were never crazy, never too sensitive, never imagining things.
You were experiencing on a personal level the same systems of control that operate throughout our society.
Your awakening is your power. Once you see these patterns… you can’t be manipulated by them anymore.
If this episode resonated with you… please, please share it with other women who might need to hear this message. Because every woman who wakes up… every woman who sees clearly… she’s part of breaking these cycles.
Resources and Research Sources
Key Statistics Sources:
Narcissism and Intimate Partner Violence Research:
- Oliver, E., Coates, A., Bennett, J. M., & Willis, M. L. (2024). Narcissism and Intimate Partner Violence: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 25(3), 1871-1884.
- Available at: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/15248380231196115
Gender Differences in Narcissism:
- Grijalva, E., Newman, D. A., Tay, L., Donnellan, M. B., Harms, P. D., Robins, R. W., & Yan, T. (2015). Gender differences in narcissism: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 141(2), 261-310.
- Research cited in: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_differences_in_narcissism
Economic Empowerment and Labor Statistics:
- UN Women Facts and Figures on Economic Empowerment
- Available at: https://www.unwomen.org/en/what-we-do/economic-empowerment/facts-and-figures
- The World’s Women 2020: Trends and Statistics, United Nations
- Available at: https://www.un.org/en/desa/world’s-women-2020
Economic Manipulation Research:
- Mellar, B. M., Fanslow, J. L., Gulliver, P. J., & McIntosh, T. K. D. (2024). Economic Control by An Intimate Partner and Its Associations with Women’s Socioeconomic Status and Mental Health. Journal of Interpersonal Violence.
- Available at: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/08862605241235140
Patriarchy and Intimate Partner Violence:
- Hunnicutt, G. (2023). Patriarchy’s Link to Intimate Partner Violence: Applications to Survivors’ Asylum Claims. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse.
- Available at: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10387730/
Sexual Harassment and Economic Impact:
- McLaughlin, H., Uggen, C., & Blackstone, A. (2017). The Economic and Career Effects of Sexual Harassment on Working Women. Gender & Society, 31(3), 333-358.
- Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5644356/
Workplace Narcissism Research:
- Research on exposing narcissists in workplace environments
- Available at: https://unfilteredd.net/how-to-expose-a-narcissist-in-the-workplace/
Narcissistic Manipulation Prevalence:
- Brown, S. L. Estimates on narcissistic manipulation prevalence in the United States
- Analysis available at: https://psychcentral.com/health/how-common-is-narcissistic-abuse-in-the-united-states
Legal System Manipulation:
- Hammond, C. (2016). How Narcissists Use the Courts to Continue Their Harmful Behavior. Psychology Today.
- Available at: https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2016/03/how-narcissists-use-the-courts-to-continue-their-abuse
Economic Impact of Domestic Violence:
- Ouedraogo, R., & Stenzel, D. (2021). How Domestic Violence is a Threat to Economic Development. International Monetary Fund.
- Available at: https://www.imf.org/en/Blogs/Articles/2021/11/24/how-domestic-violence-is-a-threat-to-economic-development
Additional Research:
- Moving Forward with Hope – Narcissistic Recovery Resources
- Available at: https://movingforwardafterabuse.com/intersectionality-narcissism/
Case Studies and Personal Accounts:
- The MEND Project – Survivor Stories
- Available at: https://themendproject.com/marks-story-of-narcissistic-abuse-and-workplace-retaliation/
Note: All links were verified as active at time of publication. Research citations include peer-reviewed academic sources, government statistics, and established mental health organizations.
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