Guide to Terms
Learning about narcissistic abuse can be confusing especially with terms such as flying monkey, gaslight, and Stockholm Syndrome. It’s almost like learning a second language. We have created a Guide to Terms to aid in your research as you learn about narcissistic abuse.
Table of Contents
Narcissist
A Narcissistic abuser will use highly skilled manipulation tactics to deliberately isolate, deceive and control victims for their own personal gain of narcissistic supply. They can use all sorts of tactics to get what THEY want such as mind games, isolation, blame-shifting, belittling, discrediting, and stonewalling to name a few.
Furthermore, it is characterized with a lack of empathy, grandiosity, self-centeredness, and a need for constant admiration.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting. This is when the abuser creates a scenario where the victim questions their reality and what has happened. After time and repetition, the victim becomes confused and may feel they are going insane.
The term “gaslighting” stems back to a 1938 play, entitled Gas Light, which was later adapted in 1944 to Gaslight, a psychological-thriller film which was nominated for seven academy awards including best picture, Best Actor and Best Screenplay. In the film, the husband deliberately manipulates his wife to believing the house they share is haunted. He flickers lights, arranges furniture, creates noise to cause her to go insane and to be distracted from his mischief.
A narcissistic abuser is trying to tell you what you should think or not think.
After you have said something, they will say, it never happened, or you are delusional, or you are lying as that never happened. They will tell you your memory is not right, that you are getting old, have some disorder. They will lie and make up any contrary story. This is crazy-making behavior. After time and repeated efforts by the abuser, it causes disorientation and the victim starts to lose themselves.
Projection
Projection. The narcissist blames you for their bad behavior, and many times this is indirect. They project and accuse you of behavior, such as cheating, being secretive, not telling the full story, and lying for example. Many times, what is projected, is the behavior they are trying to cover up.
Circular Conversations
Circular conversations. Conversations with a narcissist will include changing the subject, false accusatory statements to shift the blame and focus of the conversations, and to side rail and cause confusion. Nothing gets resolved.
Invalidation
Invalidation. The narcissist will create an environment where thoughts or feelings are not responded to appropriately. The victim feels they are not heard or understood, nor validated or supported. The individual is made to feel less than and not good enough and oftentimes tries harder to please the very individual that is invalidating their circumstances, thoughts, beliefs, etc.
Family Roles
Golden Child
The Golden Child. This child can do no wrong in the eyes of the parent. The child may be praised without reason, and the parent oftentimes steps in to protect and defend this child even if they are at fault. They are favored, adored and spoke of highly all the time. This child usually carries on the positive attributes of the parent. They have been chosen for this role.
Scapegoat
The Scapegoat. The scapegoated child is responsible for family issues and failures; they are also known as the black sheep of the family. It is their fault. This child is made to feel bad for situations they had no control over. They are deliberately put down, isolated, gas-lighted, and invalidated, and often these children sufferers from low self-esteem and low self-worth.
Empath
Empath. Empaths have an innate ability to sense and feel the emotions of others in a compassionate manner. They are givers and peacemakers. Many times, narcissists are attracted to those with high level of empathy.
Related: Tips for Managing Empathy | Narcissist and Empath Connection
Flying Monkeys
Flying Monkeys. Flying monkeys are used to reinforce the narcissistic abuser’s crooked agenda. Typically, they are ones who do not question the narcissist and have shown loyalty to the narcissist. They can carry out the narcissist’s dirty work with ease.
Triangulation
Triangulation occurs when the narcissist pits people against each other. The stage is set when the narcissist introduces a third party with the deliberate intention to orchestrate drama and jealousy between the other two parties while he breeds confusion and relational drama whilst controlling the information disseminated to the parties.
Related: Overcoming Devastation, How to Heal, Recover and Take Your Life Back (after Narcissistic Abuse)
Struggling to try to understand why the narcissist ignores you after repeated attempts to try to resolve? Click Here.
Feeling at a loss after enduring narcissistic abuse? Click here.
How does a narcissist obtain supply? Click Here.
Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is when the brain is conflicted based on incongruencies between what someone says and does.
For example, in a relationship with a narcissist, it is observing hypocrisy at its finest. The inconsistencies cause mental confusion. The mind circulates to try to make sense of the contrast in the behavior observed and words actually spoken. The mind is trying to make sense of the behavior and it is maddening, because it doesn’t add up.
Cognitive dissonance is the way the brain tries to protects itself, to avoid the truth of the situation and rationalization is a key element involved.
Are you walking on eggshells in your relationship?
Do you feel controlled, even manipulated, told what to say, and how to act?
♥If this is you, perhaps you feel like you are going crazy in your relationship. Perhaps you are exhausted from trying to perform and keep up with the demands put upon you, or maybe you feel you are being controlled, and manipulated but are having a hard time putting your finger on it.♥