Will the narcissist change?
This question, “Will the narcissist change?” is among the top searches as it relates to narcissistic abuse and narcissism as a whole. It is researched and asked time and time again. We are going to take a moment and address this age-old question and topic and broaden it out a bit.
It is an important question to ask.
It’s very important, in fact, for the answer to this question may just dictate your future move(s), so delicate thought goes into the response.
First, are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Take the 60+Questionnaire to see if you see these patterns in your relationship. Not only will these 60+ questions bring to light some behaviors which you may have seen, you may also want to take it a step further and try to understand the mastermind behind the operation of what are the broader spectrum of manipulators.
Manipulation is not new. People have been trying to deceive and control others for centuries. If you want to dive into tactics and have a synopsis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder at your disposal, I encourage you to pick up a copy of Master Manipulators to go in deep.
Back on topic, will the narcissist ever change?
Table of Contents
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Listen to the Podcast Episode Here
Has there been a Cure for Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Let’s let this sink in for a moment. You may wish to re-read the prior sentence.
Take a breath in.
No one with NPD has been cured.
Why is this the case? We have so many professional counselors and therapists today…can’t someone assist? Great Question! Let’s take a look at 3 reasons why narcissists will not change…
1. Narcissists Do not want to be cured
The life of a narcissist, albeit they have interpersonal dysfunctional problems, seems to be working just fine for them. Why would they volunteer to get things sorted out? There are many reasons for this.
- They would have to admit there is a problem.
- They would have to take ownership (responsibility).
- If a narcissist happens to find themselves in an office with a therapist our counselor, maybe due to someone in their life giving them the last resort or ultimatum, there are additional things that can get misconstrued in this circumstance which will make it quite difficult. The book Master Manipulators goes into this topic more.
2. Narcissists Do not admit there is a problem
Houston, is there a problem?
It is not common for a narcissist to take responsibility and to correct a problem. Instead, in a keen way, they find a way to turn the tables and find a way to have it be either your fault, or your responsibility to correct the issue. They are free, and free forever to be who they are.
If they can continue to deceive others and to manipulate their way around a topic by creating a diversion or by using a tactic, there is little motivation for them to change.
At any surface of a problem, they are masterful in creating obstacles so they can deny there is a problem. The more there is denial of a problem, there is no problem to fix, this is the mindset of the narcissist.
If they cannot fix it through denial, then they will use other forms of manipulation and deception, or even create a diversionary tactic so they can continue on their way. If they can continue to deceive others, and to manipulate their way around a topic by creating a diversion, there is little motivation for them to change. Their way to solve is through manipulation and to get you to think differently. Once they have you brainwashed into believing their story, they win.
Do you know anyone like this?
So, what do they have to change? What motivation is there? The motivation is the game to get you to buy into their story.
3. What's Love got to do with it?
Narcissists have been known to say what you want to hear. Will they say they love you? Of course! When it comes down to love in action, will the narcissist perform? What do you think? What have you seen? What does your evidence tell you?
The narcissist operates in a triangle and cyclical pattern of behavior, which starts off with blasting you with favorable compliments (this is love-bombing), and actions that can be considered over-the-top.
Many think upon meeting the narcissist, they have found their true love. You see, to the narcissist, it has nothing to do with love. It all has to do with what can they get out of the relationship or how can they benefit. To learn more about the cycle of abuse, click on Why is Narcissistic Abuse so Devastating.
You guessed it, it is all about them – and not just in the first stage of the relationship. It will always be about them. There is not a time where they feel so inclined to switch things up.
You will be highly disappointed over and over again if you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
Will they change? They see no reason to. Things are just fine the way they are, they receive supply, and attention, they feel powerful, and they are keen in deflecting their level of responsibility. What’s to change?
Love can be faked.
Will the Narcissist Make an Effort to Change?
The one thing that a narcissist will do, is to fake their efforts toward change. Yes, that’s right. If a narcissist was given an ultimatum to change, they may perform in such a way that it gives the impression they have changed.
They can fake it for a while.
They can wear a smile; they can say nice things and even do nice things for a while so you will buy into their scheme. Yes, scheme it is. They are trying to pull the wool over your eyes, so you believe that they either have made an effort to change or are continuing to work on it.
Will they have excuses?
You better believe it! Excuses that you have never heard will now be discussed. You will try harder to keep the relationship intact, until you see this is a game and it’s cyclical.
Related: Should I Confront the Narcissist?
WHat am I supposed to do?
If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, it may be wise to think about your relationship and your goals. The best move to make in the interim, is to find ways to learn about narcissistic abuse (you are in the right place), absorb as much information as you can and think about instituting a no contact policy. Please also reach out to Online Therapy for assistance.
Related: Leaving the Narcissist – 7 Practical Steps to Freedom
