This page was updated on May 8, 2023.
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Am I with a narcissist?
It is estimated 158 million people in the U.S. are affected by narcissistic abuse, and an estimated 6 percent* have narcissistic personality disorder. The numbers are staggering, and it’s likely you know someone who has the characteristics of NPD, and may be suffering from the implications of the disorder.
Note: *Six percent could be underreported as many with Narcissistic Personality Disorder fail to get properly diagnosed.
**trigger warning -some of these questions are deep and may trigger emotions.
One day it becomes clear. We can see through it all like we never were able to before. We see the manipulation, the lies, the triangulation, gaslighting and the deliberate ways the narcissist will twist conversations, events, stories to suit their need for narcissistic supply. Clear as day. We see it and the fog has lifted.
Of course, it never started out like this.
We met a charming individual who appeared to have it all – charm, wit, intelligence, popular and breath-taking. We were enamored from the start, however; the story doesn’t end there. Things changed and true colors came out.
In this article we are going to talk about ways to detect if your spouse/significant other/partner is a narcissist. This is not an all-inclusive list, but a list of questions that may assist in the detection, in no particular order.
Please note: There is not one question that will help to determine if we are dealing with a narcissist in our life, but a combination of, and in seeing the big picture of chronic, over and over again behaviors.
Then, it’s as if something clicks inside, and the light bulb goes on, and we see, see what we have never seen before, with eyes wide open and heart beating fast. We understand now, and it all makes sense. It’s not us. We are not crazy. We are not making things up. What we are dealing with is extraordinary- almost like is an evil spirit, not from here that’s behind it all. It’s pure evil, and it’s unbelievable.
One characteristic, according to Medical News Today, of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, is a lack of empathy, a need for admiration, and grandiosity.
We see the truth and we recognize it for what it is.
This list is long-put on your seat belt.
While this list is geared toward spouse/significant other/partner relationships, some of these same questions can be applied to friends/family and other co-workers, etc.
Is my spouse/significant other/partner a narcissist?
- Does your partner start an argument with you right before a special occasion, or even during a very special occasion?
- Do you find yourself in never-ending circular conversations that do not get resolved? The same ones over and over again as well?
- Is your spouse highly critical and often? The criticism is way above the “normal” level. It’s off the charts.
- Does your spouse “forget” to introduce you at parties and celebrations, when you are right by his side?
- Are you belittled, bullied?
*significant other/partner/they/them/he/she
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- Are you told what to say, indirectly of course, and would feel somehow punished if you didn’t do “as told”?
- Is your spouse a different person in public than at home with you? Do you feel like your spouse is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
- Is your spouse controlling?
- When you share your facts of an event, are you told you are wrong, that your recollection of events is incorrect, and that you are imagining things?
- Are you falsely accused? Are you starting to believe these false accusations?
- Are you starting to question your own reality?
- Do you feel alone in your relationship with your spouse?
- Are you afraid to “call your spouse out” on things, for fear of retribution?
- Are you the financially responsible spouse, sole breadwinner, while your unemployed spouse lives with entitlement that you should be taking care of them?
- Does your spouse go into a rage when asked point blank questions? Even for menial questions, such as can you shut off the bathroom light?
- Has your spouse tried to get you fired from your job?
- Are your thoughts and feelings not validated from your spouse?
- Does your spouse put down your accomplishments if acknowledged at all?
- Do you feel discredited?
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- Does your spouse apologize with empty apologies and no change in behavior? Do you hear, “I’m sorry you feel that way…”
- Is there a lack of accountability? Has the blame-shifting become so obtuse, that there is no accountability for even simple things.
- Do you somehow have the feeling that you are not viewed by extended family in the most favorable light? Are you starting to be discredited by those who are supposed to have your back? Do you have an intuition that lies are being spoken about you behind your back?
- Have you had conversations with your spouse where it was just too shocking, too riveting (not in a good way), that you cannot feel your arms, you feel numb and you are left in a dumb-founded state trying to figure out what happened?
Have You Seen This...?
- Does your spouse put down your lifelong friendships?
- Are you put down for sharing unique thoughts and opinions?
- After doing an activity that brings life to you, does your spouse start an argument trying to steal your refreshed spirit?
- Does your spouse lack empathy and unable to see things from your perspective, chronically?
- Are you talked down to?
- Do you feel your opinion has no merit, or value with your spouse?
- Do you feel your spouse does not listen to you?
- Do you feel your spouse will not validate you? For instance, you say, I have this great idea, and they start to immediately talk about sports (or any other topic expect what your great idea is…)
- Does your spouse lack genuine empathy?
- After being in an argument with your spouse, do you feel as if you have been traumatized in some way?
- Have you had conversations with your spouse where it was just too shocking, too riveting (not in a good way), that you cannot feel your arms, you feel numb and you are left in a dumb-founded state trying to figure out what happened?
- Is your spouse known around town as the nicest/friendliest/easy-going person on the planet and liked by most everyone, but at home, it’s a different story?
Has This Happened?
- Are you discouraged from having a support system outside the marriage (i.e. friends and family)?
- Does your spouse make you out to be the problem in the marriage? That is, if you were to be “fixed” then all the issues of the marriage/relationship would be corrected?
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- Does your spouse compliment other people–but you haven’t received a compliment in years?
- When you try to discuss an issue does the conversation get turned around on you and your behavior? Has it been stated that if you had only done X then Y would have never happened? Do you have the feeling that things are all your fault?
- Are you working harder and harder to please, taking on more responsibility to bring peace in the home, but it’s getting nowhere?
- Does your spouse not walk side by side with you in public?
- Does your spouse complain at every meal at a restaurant, to find some fault with it?
- Do you somehow feel you are being controlled, manipulated, and isolated by your spouse?
- Are you ill and the one to whom you believed you could count on, is no where to be found?
Do you somehow feel you are being controlled, manipulated, and isolated by your significant other?
More Questions
- Would you find it impossible, or “not allowed” to share another opinion than your spouse? Do you have to comply?
- Do you feel you are being worn down emotionally and dying inside?
- Do you feel you are under the shadow of your spouse and not allowed to shine your light?
- Do you feel you are losing your mind; your heart has been crushed after being in a relationship with your spouse?
- Are you laughed at and mocked, at public events, casually of course, by your spouse who claims to love you and says it was in jest? And, that you need to get a sense of humor…?
- Do you believe your spouse is telling you half-truths? They sound truthful, but something is off a bit.
- Do you keep trying to please your spouse only to find out the “carrot” has moved and keeps on moving?
- Are your words used against you? Even years later.
- Does your spouse share your vulnerable conversations with others?
Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells and have to carefully speak and choose your words wisely? - Do you feel you are being deliberately put on the defense by your spouse, then criticized for responding to them?
- Do you feel you are only “approved of” when operating “in your role” like a good servant?
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- Does your spouse “forget” to show up for events that are important to you? For example, a race or a competition you were running then after the event, put you down over and over again in conversation?
- Does your spouse “forget” your birthday?
- Are you made out to believe, that it is your fault for things, and your spouse fails to take responsibility for things they do.
- Is your spouse crafty with words? Are they charming and eloquent in speech and can maneuver through any conversation with ease, often shifting the blame and responsibility?
- Do you believe that if had to share your side of the story, no one would believe you? (I believe you, that is the purpose of this post I believe it happened.)
- Does your spouse deny things they have said and done?
How are you doing? There's a few more...
Again, what we are looking for is chronic behavior, the occurs over and over again, not a one time event. Many people have traits of narcissism, but it doesn’t mean they have full-blown NPD. We are looking for repeated behaviors.
- Do you feel neglected by your spouse? Ignored?
- Do you feel as though you are being brain-washed, but quite can’t put your finger on it? You feel as though something is off.
- Are you unable to get a straight answer about even little things from your spouse?
- Do you feel like your dreams, visions, hopes have been vastly diminished? Have you lost your momentum in life?
- Are you told that your facts, and recollection of events is incorrect and you are constantly corrected?
- Does your spouse talk over you, correct you, and not let you finish your sentences?
- Has your self-esteem taken a nosedive as well as your confidence?
- Do you no longer trust your intuition or gut feeling and believe whatever your spouse tells you?
- Are you accused of the very things your spouse is doing?
- Do you have a sense things are not right with evidence of patterns of behavior over a long time that has you googling behaviors to put a name to it – you have come to the right place.
Do you feel like your dreams, visions, hopes have been vastly diminished? Have you lost your momentum in life?
When we first met our significant others/partners/spouses, they may have been charming, eloquent, and rolled out the red carpet for us. They were everything we wanted and more. Then, things changed as-if overnight and the very person we thought we knew was not what was portrayed to us.
Related: Grief and Loss after Narcissistic Abuse – If you are working through the grief and loss after narcissistic abuse, learn about the 7 stages of loss which occur.
May this list serve as a baseline to help detect if you may be with a narcissist. Please also check out Master Manipulators: Discover Covert Tactics Narcissists Devise to Manipulate, Deceive and Control.
Again, this list is not exhaustive. If this could help to shed light and see things in a new light for some, that is my hope.
The purpose of this site to help those who have been in a relationship to Rebuild. To receive the Validation, and then to Revolutionize. We support your rebuilding efforts.
Related: My Story
Related: Our Mission
Resource: 6 Practical Steps to Leave the Narcissist – Steps to Regain Your Freedom
I would like to hear your thoughts and comments, and if you have more to add to this list. Place a comment below.
Resources:
If you would like a resource to assist in Overcoming the Devastation from Narcissistic Abuse, click here.
See a Pattern in your relationship?
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If you have answered yes, and see a pattern in your relationship(s), it may be time to explore deeper.
Related: Top Professions by Narcissists
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