Practical Steps to Freedom: Leaving the Narcissist
Table of Contents
The breaking point has been reached. The line was crossed. Do you find yourself saying, “I can never go through that again!.”
“I can never go through that again!”
“I can never go through that again!”
I can never go through that again!
“I can never go through that again!”
“What the hell just happened?”
Is it time for freedom?
The threshold has been reached and you realized it is time for you to leave the narcissist and go no contact.
Another argument has occurred out of the blue on why I wore blue socks?
Pointless and deliberate targeted arguments that were intentionally designed to degrade the mind surface again. These arguments are crazy-making and manufactured to get you to go over the edge and lose it, of course then, it would be all your fault, right?
Maybe you are saying, “I can’t believe I am in this predicament!”
Perhaps you have determined that you are ready to leave.
Okay, it is time. Time to go.
Sometimes we can plan to leave the narcissist and sometimes it’s time to just go, with the clothes on our back, our toaster oven, a truck full of I-don’t-know-what, the dog and drive to our friends house, and know that God will give the inner strength, fortitude, ability, muscle power, endurance, faith, finances, to make it.
Leaving the narcissist may be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life.
You are about to start a war. The war, you see, has already been going on, it’s a war that your narcissist has been playing and wants you to lose.
You are about to burn up the road and escape to freedom, freedom to live life for you.
If you have decided it’s the beginning of the end and it’s time to leave the narcissist, there are several things you will need to do to prepare.
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1. Get a Plan
Write down everything you will need to execute your plan.
This list will be unique to your situation but should be all-encompassing to include the how, when, where you will go, who you will involve as far as resources. Think about everything from finances, to moving, to job situation, to personal belongings and paperwork, children, family, friends. There is a lot to think through and this will take time. Think about everything from A-Z. This decision will impact every area of your life.
Read the plan over and over again. Edit, make changes and revise.
Planning a big move like this can seem daunting. Take it one day at a time and plan as you are able to do so. There is a lot of stress going on and planning for an escape brings additional anxieties. Be good to yourself as you are gathering your plans and making your list. The list does not need to be perfect.
2. Consider a Stealth Move
The narcissist in your life lives and breathes by narcissistic supply and if you are the primary source of this supply, you may be in for a roller-coaster ride if you plan to vacate the relationship.
If the narcissist comes to the knowledge that you have intentions to leave, they may, and have been known to go into what is called a narcissistic rage. Now, if you have known the narcissist for some time, you may already be familiar with this and know it is nothing to take lightly.
If you are not familiar, this is a time when the “ghost of Christmas-past” comes out to terrorize you in any way, shape or form, through the narcissist. When I say rage, I mean rage, and this is nothing you want to be present for and should be avoided at all cost.
If the narcissist knows they are about to lose narcissistic supply (aka you) then this may spiral them into this narcissistic rage. Know that this exists and do your best to not be around at this time.
If you feel that you could be in harm’s way by moving out of your premises and leaving the narcissist, you may wish to consider letting your local police or sheriff’s department know and, in some cases, ask for a courtesy officer or police presence. Please check with your local jurisdictions on laws that govern your area. In some states, you may need to get a court order.
Let supportive friends and family know your plan.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799- SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org
Related: One Powerful Benefit of Silence
3. Gather Resources
Confide in trusted friends and family to assist you at this time. This will be a test to see who is in your court and as earth-shattering as it is to come to learn, who is not on your side.
Do you need to get movers involved? Do you need to get a PO Box? Do you have church friends that you can call on for an emergency? What physical actions need to take place for you to leave?
Set up plan with resources to help with dates and times and get ready to roll.
4. ASK THE UNIVERSE FOR A HEDGE OF PROTECTION OVER YOU
Ask the Universe to protect you as you are anticipating leaving your narcissist. The Universe will provide a way out. It may not be exactly how and when you anticipate it to be, but a door will open when it is time for you to go. It will be the absolute perfect timing.
Ask the Universe to go before you and to provide a clear path, say something simple like, “I have no idea how you are going to get me out of here, but open the door….”
Related: Read My Story
5. Lay Low
The moments (days, weeks, and months) after leaving the narcissist are the times of the greatest and most intense emotions from all parties. At this time, it may be best to lay low. What I mean by this, is consult with a few trusted friends and/or family members about your situation. Keep things low key. This is not the time for Fakebook, or IG or any social media posts regarding your relationship or time to stir up drama.
Do not contact the narcissist. Make sure you are in a safe place at all times. You will get through this – but the road is going to be bumpy for a bit. It will eventually smooth out. Hang on tight and keep your seat belt buckled but lay low.
Be aware of your surroundings and keep a watchful eye at all times. Anticipate behavior out of the norm, such as a visit from a ‘friend’ that you haven’t seen in a long time show up unexpectedly at your workplace, anything unusual.
You have just made a big step toward freedom, and the narcissist does not want this to be an easy exit for you.
6. Decompress
After the you have left, plan for a lot of self-care. Put up your feet and think about what you have been through. This has been a very stressful time in your life and you need to plan time to unwind, get restored physically, spiritually, and mentally.
Start a journal and write down the events that have transpired. Let your heart mourn the toxicity of the relationship. Grieve. It is okay to cry and to let go and to be healed. It may take a while, and that is okay.
Congratulate yourself. You have accomplished much and should be proud of your strength and abilities. Think about everything you did right.
Think about your new life and your new plans and how things are going be different.
7. Be Prepared
The narcissist is going to try to reach out to you to get you to come back. Be prepared for all sorts of mind games to come your way if you are still in contact. The best way to heal and move forward is not to have any contact whatsoever and to graciously allow yourself to detoxify from the turmoil by going no-contact.
Keep in mind, if you are in contact the narcissist will employ all sorts of tactics to try to get you to come back. They will turn into apologetic sweet-talkers with empty promises and then in the same breath, tell everyone that you abandoned them and start the rumor and gossip mills running overnight. Whether you are in contact with them or not, ridiculous and devastating lies will be spreading around. Don’t engage. You know your truth, you lived it. No one can take that away from you.
Related: Will the Narcissist Change?
Know this will be an all-out-chaotic war. This war is for your freedom. Freedom for your own ability to do as you please, how and when you want to do so. Freedom for your mind to not be controlled and abused by others. Freedom to run. Freedom to use your gifts and talents the way they were intended.
You have made the biggest move to free yourself, but you have to cross over two layers of barbed-wire, hitch a cab into an unknown city for a while, hide in the back alleyway, then run across the border to freedom. Wear your sneakers because the terrain is tough on the escape route, it can be done and it is worth it. You are going to make it.
When we decide to leave a narcissist, we are in essence, beginning the war that will end the war. The narcissist will not want us to go, and will create lies regarding the real story, that many will believe, even those who claim to be our friends.
The escape to freedom, is not easy, will be tough and it can happen by getting a plan together with executable goals and objectives, resources, inner fortitude and strength from God to get us through. In the end, you will never believe the strength you had – it will be unbelievable and it will fuel the momentum forward to all the things you will do, things that will change and impact the world. It will be worth every last cent – even the devastation will be worth it. You have a story, a story to relate to others who may be going through the same things, and you can help them break free.
Please see our resource page for additional information.
It will be worth every last cent – even the devastation will be worth it. You have a story, a story to relate to others who may be going through the same things, and you can help them break free.
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