Ep. 91: Why So Many Women Are Emotionally Drained by “Good Men”

It’s not drama. It’s design. Emotional labor isn’t love—it’s a system

The following is taken from our podcast episode published as Episode 91. Transcript for Episode 91.

Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast

Host: Lynn Nichols

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Lynn is a heartfelt advocate for personal growth and empowerment, and writes with raw insight on navigating narcissistic abuse, toxic relationships, and sometimes the societal challenges tied to the patriarchy. With a deeply experiential approach, her stories shed light on the emotional complexities of breaking free from toxic patterns and reclaiming one’s voice. L.N. offers fresh perspectives on gender dynamics, self-worth, and healing, encouraging readers to rebuild from within and revolutionize their relationships.

Lynn is also a trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coach and podcast host. She creates videos on her YouTube channel to bring the message of healing and recovery. Learn more on her website here.

Why So Many Women Are Emotionally Drained by “Good Men”: It’s not drama. It’s design. Emotional labor isn’t love—it’s a system.

This episode cracks open the invisible weight too many women bear in modern relationships. If you’ve ever felt like the emotional caretaker, the therapist, the translator, the one who always knows how to keep the peace… you’re not imagining it. But what if the exhaustion you feel isn’t personal? What if it’s structural?

Lynn pulls back the curtain on emotional labor—not just what it is, but why it keeps showing up in even the most “normal” relationships. And once you see the pattern, it can’t be unseen.

This one might sting. But it might also set you free.

Hit play when you’re ready to understand the truth that’s been sitting just beneath the surface.

We also reference Episode 89, “The Silent Brotherhood,” for deeper insight into male loyalty codes, and highlight Lynn’s book Master Manipulators—now on Audible—for a full breakdown of covert narcissistic tactics.🎧 To hear this full episode, go to waketheelephant.gumroad.com/l/hiddenloyalty

Master Manipulators on Audible:

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3 Truth-Telling Books by Lynn That Cut Through the Noise of Narcissistic Abuse: What No One Tells You About Healing: A Survivor’s Guide to Clarity, Power, and Self-Trust

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Have you ever heard something a hundred times… and still felt like something was missing?

Like there’s a deeper truth no one’s saying—but your body knows it’s there?

You’ve heard about the patriarchy. You’ve heard about emotional unavailability. You’ve read the posts. Sat in the therapy sessions. Maybe even blamed yourself.

But there’s still that itch in your mind—that whisper: You’re close… but not quite there. There’s a piece of the puzzle no one wants you to find.

Today, we’re going straight to it.

Welcome back to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast. I’m Lynn, your host.

And in this episode, we’re going to lay it bare—not just what’s happening inside relationships that leave you drained, unseen, and carrying all the emotional weight—but why. And how. And for what deeper purpose?

Because this isn’t just about narcissistic behavior. It’s about the architecture that quietly trains women to hold the emotional center for everyone else. And then punishes them when they crumble under the weight of it.

So let’s step back. Let’s rewind. Let’s ask what the system doesn’t want us asking.

And before we dive in, here’s what’s new:

• Episode 89 – The Silent Brotherhood: What Women Don’t Know About Male Loyalty and Why It Matters. It’s a tight 20‑minute deep dive into the hidden code of male respect and why women are often second in line. You can own the full 20-minute version at waketheelephant.gumroad.com—the link’s in the description.

• Second, MASTER MANIPULATORS: Discover the Covert Tactics Narcissists Devise to Manipulate, Deceive, and Control—my second book—is now available on Audible. If you’ve ever felt like you were walking on eggshells, being emotionally hijacked, or manipulated in ways you couldn’t explain, this book breaks it all down. You’ll learn the 33 covert narcissistic tactics used to dominate, deceive, and dismantle your sense of self, plus insights into the cycle of abuse, grief after narcissistic relationships, and why No Contact is only the beginning of healing. It’s empowerment. It’s education. It’s important to learn the tactics they use to tear you down so you can make the best decision for yourself.

• We’re rolling out more paid downloads and special‑edition episodes soon. These take time to create, and your support helps cover production costs and keeps our research deep. Watch the feed for those special releases.

This is Episode 91. We’re diving deep into the systems that shape us. We’ve been deconstructing the patriarchy since Episode 69—go back and download those earlier episodes to follow the complete series. Some of what we’ll discuss today might sting—but that usually means we’re close to the truth.

You thought he was just bad at communication. Just emotionally stunted. Maybe he’d grow into it. But what if he wasn’t broken? What if he was built this way?

Patriarchy doesn’t always show up as loud abuse or dominance. Sometimes it shows up as calm tones and agreeable smiles—but underneath, there’s defensiveness and control. It shows up as silence that waits for you to figure out what’s wrong—then blames you for not knowing. It shows up as men who call themselves “good guys,” but somehow, you still feel alone when it really matters. Because the system didn’t just fail women—it trained women.

It taught men to outsource their emotional needs. And it taught women to be the warehouse.

This isn’t about one relationship gone wrong. This is about centuries of conditioning, passed down in stories, roles, movies, religions, dynamics that were never ours—but we still ended up living inside them.

Here’s where the shock lands.

What if the emotional labor you’ve been doing… wasn’t just expected?

What if it was engineered?

What if the purpose of training women to tend, soothe, anticipate, translate… was never about harmony?

It was about control.

Because emotional labor is time-consuming. It’s exhausting. It keeps you distracted. It makes you believe your worth is in how well you manage other people’s moods.

And when women are overfunctioning emotionally, they’re not questioning power. They’re not asking for more. They’re just trying to stay afloat.

That’s the deeper why.

Not “he doesn’t know better.” But he was never asked to. And you were never allowed not to.

So if your brain has been circling something… If you’ve felt like all the therapy talk and empowerment language still didn’t land… If you’ve said, “I know it’s unfair… but why does it feel like this?”…

This is why.

You weren’t just navigating a hard relationship. You were running a system no one else was acknowledging. You were carrying both hearts—while yours was the only one cracking open.

And now that you see it? Now that you feel the cost?

Something shifts.

It’s not peace right away. It’s grief. It’s rage. It’s “how long have I been doing this?” But that storm? Is the beginning of your clarity.

And on the other side? Is you. Unburdened. Awake. And not holding it all anymore.

So to bring this home, I want to name the work.

Because emotional labor isn’t just a concept. It’s a full-body, invisible job so many women perform daily without credit, thanks, or support.

Let me show you what it really looks like. Maybe for the first time, in words that feel like yours.

Here are 20 ways emotional labor shows up in real life:

Rephrasing your truth so he won’t get defensive.
Checking his mood before saying anything important.
Translating his silence into meaning.
Calming him down—then calming yourself, quietly.
Making the therapy appointment or his dentist appointment … and reminding him to go.
Keeping peace with his family so he doesn’t have to.
Running the household calendar without it being noticed.
Picking your words carefully—again.
Avoiding triggering topics to keep the night smooth.
Holding back your win, so he doesn’t feel small.
Refusing to confront an issue that has been steaming inside you for 6 months because it’s never a good time to discuss it.
Making excuses for his behavior to your friends.
Being his sounding board—but not feeling heard.
Doing all the prep for every serious talk.
Reading tension in his body like it’s your second language.
Carrying every celebration, holiday, and emotional milestone.
Checking in with everyone before checking in with yourself.
Managing your own tone so he doesn’t check out.
Being the one to fix it. Again.
Having to behave perfectly just to receive basic warmth.
Apologizing—just to make the room feel safe.

If any of that felt like déjà vu, I want you to hear this:

You’re not too sensitive. You’re not needy. You’re not imagining it.

You were doing the emotional work for two. And you are not receiving anything back for yourself, no wonder you’re exhausted.

So maybe you’ve heard all of this before.

Maybe you’ve read the blogs, maybe you have researched via ChatGPT and it hasn’t made sense yet.

Like some part of your mind kept circling the same question… Why? Why was I the one holding everything? Why does he seem so unaware? Why does this dynamic keep happening—even when I “know better”?

Maybe you’ve felt like you’re missing something. Like there’s a deeper truth right under the surface—one your body knows is there, even if no one’s named it yet.

It was never just about him. It was about a system that needed you emotionally occupied—so you wouldn’t be emotionally free.

A system that taught men to lean on your labor and call it love. That taught you to calm the room before you found your voice. To sacrifice before asking. To decode before expressing.

And the reason it’s been hard to name?

And then, it was never time for you.

Because it was designed to be invisible. Designed to feel personal. Designed to keep you busy wondering, “Is it me?”

But now… you’ve found the thing the system didn’t want you to find.

And that moment—when your brain stops spinning, your heart drops, and something in your chest whispers, Oh. That’s the click.

It’s not peace at first. It’s shock. It’s grief. It’s the beginning of a reckoning.

But after that? You start to breathe differently. You speak more clearly. You stop carrying what was never yours.

Not because you’ve become hard or cynical—but because you finally understand the cost.

And now… you get to choose something different.

Ladies, what is your unbalanced, unreciprocated emotional labor costing you?

What has it cost you to give so much without getting it back?

How long have you been investing in connection you’re not allowed to receive?

If this episode has made you think a bit, and you have benefited from listening to this podcast, I want you to write a positive review on whichever platform you are listening on.

Also, head to our show notes as I’ve added some links for additional reading.

I’m Lynn, and this is the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast. Visit our website at moving forward after abuse dot com and I’ll see you in the next episode.

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Listen to Episode 90

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