Ep. 97 The Unbelievable Purpose of the Patriarchy: Controlling Women’s Bodies, Choices and Sexuality

Everything is Designed to Secure Male Sexual Access

The following is a transcript from the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast

Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast

Host: Lynn Nichols

Follow our work beyond the podcast: We publish essays and insights on Medium through our Moving Forward with Hope publication, and you can also find additional content and community updates on our Substack. Join us there to go deeper, connect with others, and support the movement.

Lynn is a heartfelt advocate for personal growth and empowerment, and writes with raw insight on navigating narcissistic abuse, toxic relationships, and sometimes the societal challenges tied to the patriarchy. With a deeply experiential approach, her stories shed light on the emotional complexities of breaking free from toxic patterns and reclaiming one’s voice. L.N. offers fresh perspectives on gender dynamics, self-worth, and healing, encouraging readers to rebuild from within and revolutionize their relationships.

Lynn is also a trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coach and podcast host. She creates videos on her YouTube channel to bring the message of healing and recovery. Learn more on her website here.

Episode 97 The Purpose of the Patriarchy: Controlling Women’s Bodies, Choices and Sexuality

So yes… it is all about sex. Access to sex specifically. It’s where the x meets the y-axis. Bullseye. Welcome to your-life-has-been-planned-for-you. Jackpot baby. It’s all about peaches and eggplants… strawberries and bananas… cherries and corn on the cob. The milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. The garden is always in bloom… the honey pot is never empty… and the apple pie was always warm and waiting. You get the idea.

Intro

You probably never thought we’d dare to talk about sex on this podcast. But why not? It’s part of life. This episode will remain PC or rather within established guidelines.

Welcome back to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery podcast. I’m Lynn, your host. Today we are going to be talking about the real purpose of the patriarchy… This episode will be foundational. Save it, download it, and listen to it again and again because we really intend to break things down…

Today we are going to be talking about what the patriarchy is really all about – men gaining unrestricted access to women – how women are manipulated into traditional roles from childhood, the modern backlash against women’s independence, why saying no disrupts the entire power structure, and how this battle for women’s autonomy is a war that never truly ends.

And I know what you’re thinking… the patriarchy as we have been told is all about power, control, dominance, right…? But what if I told you that’s just the cover story…? What if the real goal wasn’t just about control in general… but control over one specific thing?

What if the patriarchy was designed to give men unrestricted access to women… and specifically… to sex with women?

Pull up a chair, or put your earbuds in, cause you are in for a real ride with this episode.

Housekeeping

Before we dive in, some housekeeping items to share.

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Some plans also include early access to new episodes, which a lot of people enjoy. Head to narcissistic abuse recovery dot supercast dot com

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Related: Ambition is Not a Dirty Word – Ambition Women

Segment 1: Everything is Designed to Secure Male Sexual Access

So, let me ask you this… why does the patriarchy exist? What is it all about?

Ask most people why it exists… and you’ll hear responses such as: men in control through power and dominance… resource and asset management including inheritance laws… systemic control including gender roles… and so on.

But what if that’s just half the story? What if that is the cover story?

Think about it. If the goal was just wealth or inheritance laws… men wouldn’t need to regulate women’s bodies so obsessively, would they? If the goal was just dominance… there’d be no reason to tie women’s worth to their purity, obedience, or sexual availability.

If the goal was just free labor… men could have structured society to enslave women as workers… not as wives and reproductive vessels. There’d be no need for elaborate laws around marriage or reproductive rights.

If the goal was just to ensure population growth… then securing stable birth rates would have been enough. Instead… we see efforts not just to encourage childbirth… but to force it… even when it endangers the woman.

If the goal was just to maintain traditional gender roles… then why do those roles always, without fail, revolve around ensuring men have access to sex, children, and emotional caretaking… while denying women the same freedoms?

But for thousands of years… every institution… marriage, religion, law, medicine, even cultural “morals”… has worked to make sex accessible, unconditional, consequence-free, and exclusive to men.

Were they trying to create a utopia for men? A world where sex was always available… without effort… without emotional labor… and without accountability?

So why then did they have to control women? Because when women control their own bodies… they can say no.

And that’s the real problem… isn’t it?

Since Episode 69

Since Episode 69, where we explored The Great Divorce and the widening gap between men and women in relationships, we’ve been digging deeper—unpacking social conditioning, calling out collective blind spots, and confronting the ways patriarchy shows up in our everyday lives.

That episode marked a shift for this podcast. From there, we’ve been unraveling patriarchy from every angle—and yes, sometimes sideways too. We’ve also been connecting these patterns to narcissism and emotional abuse in ways that aren’t often talked about.

Related: The Great Divorce – Episode 69

Segment 2: The Gaslighting of Women into Motherhood

Now that we understand the real goal… let’s talk about how this system gets women to comply willingly.

From the time we’re little… everyone around us plants the idea that having kids isn’t just something we can do… it’s something we will do. Parents tell us “You’ll change your mind” before we even know what we want. Friends assume we’ll all hit a certain age and suddenly crave babies. Movies make it seem like motherhood is the key to happiness… while religion pushes the idea that it’s a woman’s greatest purpose. And if we push back? We’re selfish. We’re missing out. We’ll regret it.

But here’s the truth behind it all… this isn’t about what we want. It’s about keeping women in a role that benefits everyone but us.

And the more we call it out… the harder it is to keep the lie going.

Beware that your closest family members… who claim to love and support you and say they want the best for you… will gaslight you into having children.

If your mom tells you not to have children… is she indirectly saying she wished she never had you? Is this why mothers have to keep promoting having children? Are they just trying to save face? Or since they were miserable… they also want you to be miserable and trapped? Do they feel it’s your duty to have children? Do mothers just want their daughters to fit in with society and will push for her to have children because they don’t want her to be a social outcast? Do mothers not really care about the wants and desires of their daughters? Or do some mothers not even think about it… and just promote children because society at large promotes and encourages it?

Here’s the uncomfortable truth that no one wants to say out loud… Most mothers can’t admit they made the wrong choice… so they need you to make the same one. Now, let’s be clear… many of our mothers and grandmothers didn’t have the choices we have today.

They lived in a time when birth control was harder to access… when careers for women were limited… when single motherhood meant social exile… and when saying no to motherhood wasn’t really an option at all. They were trapped by the system in ways that many of us aren’t today. But here’s what’s happening now… instead of celebrating that their daughters have more freedom… instead of saying ‘I’m so glad you have choices I never had’… they’re still pushing the same path.

They’re still using guilt, manipulation, and pressure to get you to make the choice they were forced to make. Think about it… if motherhood was truly the most fulfilling, joyous experience a woman could have… why would there be an entire industry built around convincing women to do it? Why would there be so much pressure, guilt, and manipulation involved? Happy people don’t need to recruit others into their lifestyle… they just live it. But women who sacrificed everything… who gave up dreams they barely got to dream… they need company.

They need validation. They need proof that their sacrifice meant something. And the only way to get that proof… is to watch other women make the same sacrifice. Your freedom is a mirror… and they don’t like what they see reflected back at them. They see the life they could have had… if they’d been born in a different time.

Are the women who promote this lifestyle and having children promoting it because they have to? Are these women so deeply embedded into this patriarchal lifestyle that they cannot see life for their daughters any other way?

Let me just pause here for a moment… because we’ve covered a lot of ground and I want to make sure this is really sinking in.

We started by talking about how the patriarchy isn’t really about general power and control… it’s specifically designed to ensure men have unrestricted access to sex with women. That’s the real goal hiding behind all the other explanations.

Then we dove into how women get manipulated into motherhood from the time they’re little girls… how everyone plants this idea that having kids isn’t just something you can do… but something you will do. And we talked about that uncomfortable truth… that many of the women pushing motherhood on you… including your own mother… might be doing it because they need you to validate their own choices. They need company in their sacrifice.

And here’s the thing… this isn’t about individual women being bad people. Many of our mothers and grandmothers were trapped by a system that gave them no real choices. But instead of celebrating that we have more freedom… they’re still trying to push us down the same path.

So far… we’re seeing a pattern here. Control women’s bodies… manipulate them into traditional roles… and make sure they stay accessible. But what happens when women start saying no to all of this? That’s what we’re going to talk about next.

So we’ve seen how they manipulate women into motherhood… but let’s zoom out and look at the bigger picture of how this entire system was designed.

Segment 3: A World Built for Male Sexual Desire

How can this vast social structure keep its true objective hidden for so long?

If patriarchy was just about general control… it wouldn’t need to be so obsessed with what women do with their bodies. Yet… for thousands of years… institutions have aligned to ensure that men… and only men… have unrestricted access to sex, children, and emotional caretaking.

How do we know this? Simple… Look at what the system protects.

Marriage laws historically ensured wives were property… and couldn’t refuse their husbands sexually. Religious doctrines framed women’s purity as a measure of worth… policing their sexuality while celebrating male conquest. Listen to episodes 86 and 87 for the breakdown of the purity culture mindset and how unbelievably toxic and harmful it is.

Economic structures left women financially dependent… making it harder to say no, leave, or set boundaries. Reproductive laws have always been about control… not care… forcing women into motherhood while making men’s role optional.

At every turn… these institutions weren’t just controlling women in a general sense… they were specifically designed to keep women sexually accessible… while denying them the same freedoms.

A world built for male desire is a world where sex is expected… but not negotiated. Women are shamed for having sex… but punished for refusing it. Men are encouraged to “sow their wild oats”… but women are burdened with the consequences.

But here’s where things get interesting… women are starting to wake up to this manipulation.

So we’ve seen how they manipulate women into motherhood… but let’s zoom out and look at the bigger picture of how this entire system was designed.

And here’s what I need you to understand… Yes, it is ALL ABOUT CONTROLLING WOMEN’S BODIES. That is why this war is never going to end. That is why we are never going to end the discussions around consent, women’s autonomy, women’s empowerment, and women’s rights.

This isn’t a problem that gets solved once and then we all move on with our lives. This is an ongoing battle… a constant push and pull between a system that needs women to be compliant and available and perform emotional and household labor for free, and raising the next generation with a tired and exhausted smile on their face… and women who are realizing they have the right to say no.

Every generation of women has to fight this same fight… because the system depends on keeping women controlled. The moment women start taking back their power… the moment they start saying no to being used… the system pushes back harder.

And when I say women taking back their power, what that really begins with is women saying no. No to the systems, no to the structure. No to the societal expectations. No to the compliance. And no to having babies and raising them because “it’s supposed to be the plan for women…”

When women say no, and a lot of women say no, it forces the system to shift and adjust.

But here’s where things get interesting… women are starting to wake up to this manipulation. And when women wake up… when they start seeing the strings being pulled…

Segment 4: The Power Shift – What Happens When Women Take Back Control

Women saying no isn’t just an act of defiance… it’s a catalyst for change. And the more women reclaim their autonomy… the more the balance of power shifts.

More women are choosing singlehood… and thriving. Studies show single women are often happier, healthier, and more secure than their married counterparts.

And that’s exactly why the pushback is so strong… especially right now.

Because if women don’t comply… the patriarchy will slowly dismantle.

And as you might expect… when women start taking back control, the system doesn’t just sit quietly.

Side note… articles are disappearing off the web. I have saved links… and the sources have been taken down.

Women are redefining relationships on their own terms. Fewer women are rushing into marriage… and more are prioritizing compatibility, respect, and emotional reciprocity.

A cultural shift in expectations. Younger generations are questioning outdated gender roles… demanding equality in relationships… and rejecting the idea that women “owe” men sex, children, or emotional caretaking.

Every child free by choice woman is defiant… according to them. They want to own her choices. They want to dictate her future.

Every time a woman chooses herself over outdated expectations… the system loses some of its grip. The more women opt out of patriarchal control… the harder it becomes to sustain it.

Segment 5: The Pushback Against Women’s Changing Roles

Throughout history… societies have had a habit of responding aggressively when the expectations placed on women are questioned. When the traditional balance is disrupted… when individuals decide to move away from roles assigned to them… the reaction is often not one of acceptance… but resistance.

It’s always resistance.

Many people feel the current structure is working fine and or they don’t like change.

And remember… this is why this war never ends unless the system is completely uprooted. Every generation of women who try to break free from assigned roles faces the same aggressive pushback. It’s not a coincidence… it’s by design. The system can’t survive if women realize they have choices.

In the past… women who didn’t follow the usual path… whether they lived alone, spoke their minds, or prioritized their own goals… were often treated as suspicious and were made to believe they were not credible.

Some were labeled as outsiders, troublemakers,…just for choosing a different way of life. In many places… a family’s reputation was tied to whether its women followed the rules. If they didn’t… others would step in to “correct” things.

That historical pattern of resistance? It’s alive and well today… just with new tactics. Just like a narcissist. They may come back into your life with a new tactic. Really it’s the same old tactic with a new angle.

Segment 6: Modern Backlash – The War Against Women’s Autonomy

While society has evolved… the punishment for women saying no has simply changed form. The attacks are now political, cultural, and economic… but the goal remains the same… to coerce women back into submission.

Abortion bans and birth control restrictions. Women’s reproductive rights are under attack… ensuring they can’t fully control their own futures.

Attacks on feminism and single women. Child-free and independent women are ridiculed as selfish, unnatural… or doomed to regret their choices.

Economic discrimination. The gender pay gap… lack of maternal support… and workplace bias all make financial independence harder to maintain.

Let’s not lose sight of what this is really about… giving men unrestricted access to sex with women. Every single one of these modern tactics… the abortion bans, the economic punishment, the social shaming… they all serve the same purpose. Keep women available. Keep women dependent. Keep women saying yes. When women can’t control their own reproduction… when they can’t support themselves financially… when they’re isolated from support networks… they can’t say no. And that’s exactly the point. The patriarchy has always been a system designed to ensure men have access to sex… without having to earn it, without having to maintain it, without investing emotionally, and without consequences. Everything else… the talk about tradition, family values, protecting women… that’s just the sales pitch and the cover story. What do you think…

Related: Ostracized by your family? How Love turns into Hate – a Deep Dive

Cultural ostracization runs even deeper.

Here’s what’s really insidious… independent women are painted as lonely, miserable, or undesirable… while men in the exact same position are celebrated as free-spirited bachelors. Think about that double standard for a moment.

And it’s not just society at large doing this… it’s other women too. Single women get pushed out by their married friends… suddenly they’re no longer invited to couples’ dinners… they’re seen as a threat or just irrelevant to the new married lifestyle.

The message is clear… if you’re not partnered up, you don’t belong. Here’s a question that will hit home for many of you… How many women who couldn’t have kids felt rejected by their friend network? How many women watched their friendships disappear the moment they couldn’t participate in mommy groups and play dates?

Even women who desperately wanted children but couldn’t have them… they get pushed out of social circles… treated as damaged or incomplete. Because a woman’s value is still measured by her ability to reproduce. The isolation is intentional. When you remove a woman’s support system… when you make her feel like an outsider for making different choices… you’re more likely to pressure her back into compliance.

The rise of online misogyny. From incel forums to Red Pill influencers… the internet is full of men raging over women rejecting traditional roles. They are livid… and your man friend is listening to these subgroups but will deny that he does. Listen to Episode 84 and 89.

Whenever women take steps toward bodily, financial, or sexual autonomy… the backlash intensifies.

This is exactly what I mean when I say this war will never end. The discussions around consent, women’s autonomy, women’s empowerment, and women’s rights… they’re not going away because the threat to women’s freedom isn’t going away. Every time we make progress… every time women gain a little more control over their own bodies and lives… the system adapts and finds new ways to push back. Listen to Episode 81…

If patriarchal control wasn’t primarily about securing male access to women… then women saying no wouldn’t be met with this level of rage, violence, and legal suppression.

Related: Bell Hooks – The Will to Change

If a woman not wanting children was truly just a “personal choice”… why are child-free women constantly shamed?

If singlehood were just another lifestyle… why are independent women always painted as sad, bitter, or regretful?

If abortion and contraception were just healthcare… why is there such an aggressive, well-funded effort to strip women of these rights?

Because when women say no… they disrupt the foundation of the patriarchy.

Be prepared to see a lot of pregnant pictures now. Since they want women barefoot and pregnant…

It’s never been about equality. It’s always been about ensuring that women remain accessible… physically, sexually, and emotionally.

And when that access is denied? The system panics… and so do the men.

If all of this wasn’t really about controlling women… why does the conversation always circle back to what women should do with their bodies, their time, their choices?

If it was really about fairness, balance, or even just “tradition”… then women choosing different paths wouldn’t be met with such resistance, shame, or punishment.

A system that relies on women being available at all times… will always push back when women decide they belong to themselves.

Now… if any of this is sounding familiar to you on a personal level… there’s a reason for that…

Segment 7: The Narcissistic Abuse Connection – Control Through Manipulation

So… after all of this heavy stuff… let’s circle back to where we started. Remember all that talk about peaches and eggplants… milkshakes in the yard… gardens always in bloom? We’ve been speaking in code about this stuff forever.

We use emojis, food metaphors.  We’re taught to be embarrassed about our own bodies… to speak in whispers about our own desires… to use cute little symbols instead of real words.

Once you start seeing this system for what it really is… once you understand that it’s all about controlling access to women… those cute little metaphors start feeling different.

 The milkshake bringing boys to the yard? That’s about sexual availability. The garden always being in bloom? That’s about women always being ready and willing. We’ve been conditioned to make even our own sexuality about serving others… about being available.

Closing

As we start to close down this episode… I want you to realize something.

It’s not about fairness, balance, or even morality. It’s a hierarchical power system built by men for men… so they can have unrestricted access to sex with women.

They will build systems, create laws, establish governance, and design social structures… all to make their desires reality.

They don’t want women to control their own bodies. To be autonomous. To make their own money and decisions. They don’t want women to be financially independent.

Because when women have all of that… women can say no.

And that takes away their power.

When women say no… the transfer of power begins.

Yes… it is all about controlling women’s bodies. This is the war that never ends… the battle for women’s autonomy that every generation has to fight. They will continue to silence women and try to force compliance. New tactics… same goal. This will always be an ongoing issue because the system depends on women’s compliance to survive.

This system was built to give men easy access to sex with women. Every law, every tradition, every social pressure… it all comes back to that. When women can say no and mean it… when women can leave… when women can choose themselves… the whole system falls apart.

So… women have to make personal decisions on what is best for them.

And that’s exactly why saying no… whether to outdated expectations, forced roles, or silent obligations… has always been the most powerful defiant act of all.

Thank you for listening today.

Additional Resources:

Timeline of the History of Sexual Violence in the U.S.

Religious Doctrine Enforcing Sexual Purity Standards: What is Purity Culture?

Are Women Who Choose to Live Alone Happier?

Guttmacher Institute

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