Loss, Loss and so much Loss After Narcissistic Abuse–6 Devastating Truths
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This page was updated May 8, 2023.
Few understand the deep grief and loss that occurs after narcissistic abuse. Some may think, why would you have anything to grieve about? They were abusive. You are free. Now what?
It is so much more than that.
There are layers of grief and deep processing of events, thoughts, mindsets and really a lifetime of unpacking and sorting through the stories and events that were told to us, that we once believed.
Sifting through the past can bring freedom as we see the truth clearly unfold. Going through the loss can surface much pain. For this there is grieving the loss of everything that was and is, and was meant to be-that never was, or was-that should never have been.
It’s okay to grieve the loss of everything that was and is, and was meant to be-that never was, or was- that should never have been.
Table of Contents
We can mourn our trajectory in life and grieve where we are, so much loss, loss that at times cannot even be explained.
There are counselors and therapists who specialize in grief and loss and those that specialize in narcissistic abuse recovery, and it may be beneficial to discuss your situation with a licensed counselor who can assist.
I trust if you are reading this article, you may be unpacking years of narcissistic abuse from your past and discovering there is so much loss, so so much loss, and at times this can be unbearable.
While too, there are gains from surviving emotional abuse and being free from it.
Let’s discuss some of the losses.
Loss of Family Bonding
Family is meant to support, encourage and be a place to let our guard down and be our self. It should be a place of loving support, not one of competition, conditional love, neglect, triangulation, projection and abuse. Unpacking the trauma associated with lack of family bonding, or a true support system can be debilitating as we see the ramifications later in life.
Thinking about all the loss, can and will hit us at our core. It’s devastating. We should have had more and we can be upset with the lack and therefore grieve the losses associated with this impact. This will include loss of marriage as well as permanent separation from mother /father familial relationships.
This loss is so vast it can take a while to sort through and feel the implications.
Healing Exercise
This is what I would like you to do. This exercise may take about 30 minutes or more.
Get in a quiet spot and take out a notebook and write down all the things you wished you had, or should have had, but didn’t. There is nothing too small to not jot down. Write down everything you can think of.
This can be hugs, for example, you wish you had more hugs. Maybe, you felt alone growing up with no one to talk to, no support system. This is a loss, write it down. Take the time and list everything.
Then, after you have listed it all out, take a look at the list and read it back slowly. Go through each one and have a moment of deep introspection and thought toward each one. Read it out loud. How you do you feel about #23 for example?
Think and rest on each one. Let it sink in and it’s okay to cry and to be upset, it okay to feel anger and all sorts of deep emotions.
When you have read the list over and over, seeing the pain and the deep emotion, think about the present day and your time left on this earth. Granted, no one can know when we will pass on to our next life, but think about these circumstances. In the future, it doesn’t have to be right now. Think about what you could do with these experiences and the pain.
Will you carry this pain with you? If so, for how long?
Will you accept these injustices as part of the biggest recovery journey you have been on and decide to move forward?
Will your story be used to impact and help others?
How are you going to handle these injustices? Your attitude and steps in moving forward will eventually be determined by you.
By thinking through these things, you are not excusing anyone’s behavior. This is a time for you to deeply reflect.
I am rejoicing with you on your journey. As painful as the recovery process is, a diamond is being formed and will sparkle for all future generations to see — and I am on your side with encouragement and empathy to push you forward in your healing journey.
We are going to discuss several avenues in which loss occurs after narcissistic abuse.
Loss of Extended Family
Perhaps your primary family spread lies about you behind your back. You wondered why there was a distance in your extended family and lack of genuine relationships outside your family. Maybe these relationships never got off the ground as a result of the jealousy from your primary family- a major loss.
It’s disheartening to think about it even, so much unnecessary loss.
LOSS OF FRIENDSHIPS
Learning of narcissistic abuse and discovering close friends that have been partakers in this abuse covertly in your life and then you cutting off these friends will inevitably equate to huge loss in your life (or gain).
There is loss in dealing with and letting go of these friendships, who may exhibit traits of narcissism. Realizing these friends were fair-weather, is earth-shattering and there is a release and a time of grieving the huge loss. You realize the friendships were not built on anything real. This is a hard truth, but necessary in moving forward. This loss can be unbearable going through it will take time to process. Healing is on the other side.
Loss of Personal Possessions
If a divorce from spouse or divorce (no contact) from family, there can be a loss of personal possessions that were left in the house that we may no longer have access to or will ever see again. There can be prized items that we wanted to have for a long time. Losing the relationship and going no contact over possessions means there is loss involved in losing key items. While it’s a tough and an individual decision to make, grieving the things we hold to our heart is a loss.
Loss of Standard of Living/Job/Car
If you left a narcissist, perhaps you had to move and get a new job and/or move to a new city. There is loss of colleagues and a common routine, not to mention maybe even a certain income.
Making a major change, moving to a new city and changing jobs carries the impact of a change in income. There is loss associated with this change.
Perhaps you had your favorite car and after taking a step into going no contact, this changes not only your finances and as a result you had to make a change in your vehicle. This is another loss.
Loss, loss and more loss. It can seem like we are just losing things, one thing after another, and this can even cause depression and a feeling of hopelessness. It is a time of tremendous change and emotional purging along with new adaptations. Everything is new and there are few things that remain the same.
With all the change and loss, it can be tough to pull through and keep moving forward. One thought that has stuck during huge loss, is to take it one day at a time.
I believe our inner fortitude and strength will help us make and reliance on God in these tough times.
It was not for naught.
It was the biggest learning event in my life and I will be forever grateful for it, as it will entirely change my life and I will take the information I learned to benefit others somehow. One day at a time. It’s okay to grieve and to have loss. It’s okay to be weak, to cry, to mourn and wail for days, week, months. While in the emotionally abusive relationship, you weren’t allowed to feel, so expressing emotion that may have been pent up for year or decades and will take some time. A cleansing of the heart and soul is in effect.
It's okay to grieve and to have loss. It’s okay to be weak, to cry, to mourn and wail for days, weeks, months. While in the emotionally abusive relationship, you weren’t allowed to feel, so expressing emotion that may have been pent up for year or decades and will take some time. A cleansing of the heart and soul is in effect.
This is the beginning of doing what you know is best and not having other people tell you what is best for you. There is a new highway being built – and is the highway of self-care.
There is a new highway being built – and is the highway of self-care, abundant loving for yourself and sweet self-care with your name on it.
Deep loss requires deep inner healing and restoration. Few will understand the pain, or isolation we or other emotions we may feel at times.
Even if nothing changes, even if in months go by and you still feel the same way, it’s okay, and absolutely normal. The loss is unfathomable, and all-encompassing and infiltrates every area of your life.
LOSS OF REPUTATION
If after a divorce, you may expect and anticipate your spouse to have trashed your name to all your acquaintances and family. It will be like you are starting completely over. There is huge loss here. There may be friendships you have had for years that will all of a sudden start to act funny toward you. They are being fed lies by your narcissist and they are believing it. One by one they leave, so the reputation you have erected and lived for years, is being demolished to a pile of rubble. A new start is in order.
I don’t mean for this article to be a downer on loss. My intentions are to list the true areas of major loss and discuss them. There is hope and there is healing. We must tackle and address the loss. We cannot walk over it like it never happened. Grieving these losses will aid in our healing path.
It’s as if, after leaving a narcissistic abuser, while abused in the family or divorce, we were kicked emotionally and then when we left, were then beat up emotionally.
Nothing is safe, and those who claimed to love you were out for your destruction. The truth of this is sinking in. It is so insidious.
It is clear to me that there is an evil spirit within that is set out to destroy and is at the root of this issue. For that, that kept me going, know that if I was such a target to be destroyed, that I must have an all out full intrinsic value and purpose. I am determined to get healed to tell my story. There is a purpose in the pain.
This list is not all-inclusive. There is much more loss associated with ending a narcissistic, abusive relationship.
The abuse that was suffered by you was not for naught. There was a purpose.
Final THoughts
Loss after narcissistic abuse is deep, all-encompassing and penetrates into every area of our life. Going through the loss is necessary in moving forward in the healing process.
Loss is unexplained at times, comes in different forms and grieving it will bring healing in its own time in its own way to your bright future filled with passion and purpose. It may not be seen now, but it’s on the horizon.
Much Love,
Lynn XO
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Very nice article. I can only agree that writing helps immensely. Simply put your thoughts into words and write them down. It is so incredibly good for the soul. It sounds trivial at first, but it is effective. For the most part this was my method to get over my grief and the loss of my grandma.
You don’t sugar coat it, Lynn. Good!
So glad to come across this article. My ex was a covert narricissist he has died but still I feel hopeless because of the abuse he left me in debt used my inhertiance from my dad and mum and left me with two beautiful children.
No one understood the shit he put me thru and he had me second guessing myself and my little brother needed me unforeunately my brother lost his life I am forever angry with the narrcissist ex who kicked my and my children to the dirt with nothing. I cant change what has happended but parts of me are bitter and dont feel good.
Any suggestions would help. Thank you.
Thank you Lynn, we aim to be real, heartfelt, without the added sugar, thank you for your comment, and hope you are doing well.