The Top 10 Things Your Partner May Say to You To Coerce You Into Having Sex
Note: Feel free to swap the word wife, husband, for partner, significant other, etc. We aim to be inclusive.
Table of Contents
The topic of marital coercion, marital rape, and manipulation within marriages is still a taboo subject, but with each article and post, and discussion on it we are getting closer to bridging the gap between being in cognitive dissonance, to being more ready to have adult conversations about this topic that many would rather shove under the rug.
Side Note: I didn’t think I’d write about sex or marital coercion on this site, but it’s under the large umbrella of abuse, which we cover heavily, specifically narcissistic abuse. Not everyone who operates in marital coercion is a narcissist for the record.
Please feel free to use wife, husband, partner, significant other, as your relationship dictates.
My question is: Are you ready to chat about it? If so, let’s continue on…
For the Record...
Women want to have amazing, mind-blowing sex. We want to experience it with you. We want to go on a sexual adventure and we are open to experimenting and have you bring us to new levels of sexual satisfaction. Yes, we want it all. Just like you do.
So what happens in the marriage/partnership where it all starts to fall apart?
Does it come down to marital coercion?
Let's Define It
Marital coercion is an insidious form of abuse in which one person routinely uses guilt, shame, feelings of depression and sadness, as well as anger and frustration to manipulate their partner into unwanted sex (and sometimes under the guise that it is wanted when gaslighting is used).
Do Men Feel Like they Have to Coerce?
Do men feel that in order to have sex with their wife or partner, that they need to coerce her? What happened to the natural desire to connect, be intimate and let passion run through the veins in ecstatic joy?
The Issue with Consent
Consent is ongoing in a marriage or partnership.
Consent did not become an automatic YES on the day you got married or have a partnership.
Women (and men) should be able to say no at any time during the marriage without fear of retribution, fear of being assaulted, fear of being coerced, manipulated, and/or passive aggressive behaviors to come shortly afterward…or fear of having to face your anger, should a “no” be voiced…
Women don’t want to have to oblige just to keep the false sense of peace alive in the background.
Men and Women are Built Different
Yes, men and women are built different. We each have separate sex drives, but the relationship should have an equal level of respect, not just respect for the man. Each body and desire should be equally respected and treated as such at all times.
Top Signs: Have You Heard the Following?
- We might as well be roommates.
- You said no last time.
- I shouldn’t have to pressure you.
- Fine, I won’t ask you anymore.
- If you love him, you’d stop saying no
- Maybe you have some childhood trauma getting in the way.
- You should be happy he’s still attracted to you.
- It’s Been a Week—Don’t You Care About My Needs At All?
- Can’t you just try? You’ll get into it once you get going.
- Men just aren’t emotional, they need sex to feel loved.
- You’re married now, you don’t get to say no.
- It’s not fair for you to always say no.
- You’re completely ignoring my needs.
- There’s something wrong with you.
- Have you seen a doctor about this?
Tactics Exposed: In these examples, guilt is a common denominator to try to manipulate the other partner.
What Happens When Men Coerce Their Partner for Sex?
This is such a touchy subject and as I stated earlier it is still a taboo topic. We are just now starting to have the awareness of it. Some may be bold enough to start to have the conversations surrounding the topic but few are really unpacking what marital coercion means on a short and long term basis within the confines of a committed relationship and/or marriage.
So what happens?
How would you feel if the one you choose to be with stole from you? Or took something precious from you? But they didn’t do it outwardly because they know you would accept or allow it – so they became manipulative in order to get what they want, and covertly manipulative at that…
How would you feel?
Would you feel used? Disrespected? Used only for a purpose? Objectified? Exploited? Betrayed? Lied to? Worthless?
Marital Coercion is More than Betrayal
When a woman gets raped by a man, (not husband) it an act of violence, it’s assault. There can never be trust.
When a husband coerces his wife, it can have the same outcome on a woman.
She feels betrayed, violated, stolen from, used and abused. Trust has been broken. The desire she once had for her husband to have bed-rocking sex has been diminished.
She starts to no longer desire him. She can no longer trust him. The way he treats her erodes her desire for him and in some cases it completely dries up.
She pulls back.
She may feel like she needs to perform to keep the marriage or relationship intact because now other tactics have surfaced from him, guilt tactics so she stays in line with HIS needs.
She starts to resent him. She is bitter and deeply hurt by how she is viewed an an object to satisfy him only.
She keeps hearing tactics and she is mandated to perform.
The marriage is breaking down.
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What Women Want
Women do not want to be coerced into having sex.
We can tell if you are authentic and genuine with us. We know if you want to have us vs. have it.
We can tell if you are using our bodies for your pleasure to get what you want. We can tell when you have no interest in us outside the bedroom.
We see your colors on your shirt and we detest when you are in it just for you.
We want you to want us and who we are. We want you to cherish us, respect us, and have the desire for true and authentic connection.
We do not want to feel like we are second-class servants and must put out to satisfy your high desire while you leave us with our emotional bank accounts on the minus side.
Treat us like we are human.
Marital Coercion Will Wreck Your Marriage
Marital coercion will wreck your marriage.
She may not see your manipulation tactics up front. Or, it may even take years for her to see it, but when she does (and this article is to shed light on it), she will really see it, and it will start to make sense to her in more ways than one.
I am grateful for the many men, who are coming to terms with this behavior. Some have stated they now see it as wrong, are sorry for their behavior, and want to make things right. In addition, that this article and others who speak about it, have hit home and they wish to behave differently than they have in the past.
If a man manipulates his partner and uses coercive tactics, your marriage may not be able to be retrieved. It may have happened for so long, that there is no hope any longer for restoration, no matter how hard you try to prove you are authentic. No matter how you try to show true genuine interest for your partner. The relationship may have died years ago.
There is a part of a women that dies when they have been sexually coerced. Her sexual side for you may never return. She no longer sees you as safe, can no longer confide in you, and feel secure. She sees you as a party that has betrayed her on multiple levels. The very partner that was to look out for her, treat her better than any other human, has not just let her down casually, has drastically let her down where she was the most vulnerable.
Sexual coercion kills the relationship.
She may stay and put up with it for fear or her own safety because she was never in a position to tell you she didn’t feel safe for fear of what you would do and how she would be treated.
Men, please be aware.
Have you recently learned about marital coercion? How has it impacted your relationship? Have you heard any of the one-liners shared in this article? Share your thoughts below.
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