Ostracized: How Your Narcissistic Family's Love Turns into Hate after Going No Contact
Inside narcissistic families lies enough dysfunction that Hollywood movies would be able to write dramas on it for years to come, oh wait, they already do this!
In this article, we are going to talk about what happens after you (the scapegoat) stand up for yourself within the realm of a narcissistic extended family, have gone no contact with one (or more) individuals, and then have come to find out the rest of the family has ostracized you. What the heck happened?
Let’s break down the multiple layers of dysfunction going on behind the scenes in layers causing one confusing mess for those involved. The dysfunction is deliberate, carefully crafted, and orchestrated by those who wish to cause you harm, yes hatred, even from family.
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Table of Contents
Is Blood Thicker than Water
Whoever said blood was thicker than water, probably was motivated by guilt to say such a thing and to keep their family intact. They saw or were beginning to see the layers of deep dysfunction and somebody in the family, the narcissistic ring leader, needed (and wanted) to keep the family intact.
This saying was passed down by generations to keep the guilt alive (since it’s such a powerful motivator), and of course, keep families together albeit wide-scale dysfunction.
It has also been stated that blood is indeed not thicker than water, not in the literal sense, but in the truth and reality that your family may be one of the largest sources of causing emotional pain and mistreatment.
Your actual family may have been your first bully(ies), or the ones that caused such emotional destruction, it started early and unfortunately became normalized.
No Contact Was Not Always an Option
In spite of the generational trauma and familial dysfunction, no contact with a family member was not always an option. Sure it was thought about, but due to financial or survival needs the practice of actually going no contact within a family was not as “popular” as it is today.
Not only that but the unbelievable force from the covert tactics perpetuated a mindset to comply and to “play” your role and unfortunately be silenced as an only option.
Thankfully, choice is on the table for scapegoats now.
Now On Audible!
The Scapegoat is Hated
Once the scapegoat sees their role in the family, and understands it, and chooses to “take action” like: (1) Go No Contact, (2) Gray Rock, then the immediate family and extended family goes through a shift to re-align.
The rest of the family shifts into survival mode. They don’t want to be treated like the scapegoat, they want to be included in the family still (perhaps for financial or other reasons), and will tolerate their role.
The scapegoat was tolerated before, but now they are hated, and hated sometimes with a fury and passion that is unleashed covertly or overtly on them by all extended family members.
The scapegoat pays the price for seeing the dysfunction and trying to escape it.
The Scapegoat is Ostracized
The scapegoat is now the most unpopular member of the family. If any family member tries to reach out and befriend or even maintain a relationship with the scapegoat, they will be hated also, unless they are serving a purpose of a flying monkey for a short time.
The flying monkey is only after information from the scapegoat. They will act like they care and are interested in friendship with the scapegoat, but they are only after information, which will be used against the scapegoat in the future. The flying monkeys have loyalty to the master general and ring leader, the narcissist.
The scapegoat will be alone and is set up to fail, yes by family. This is the horrid truth which is hard to grasp at times. The immediate family and now extended family hate the scapegoat. But how did it get like this? How were extended family taught to hate the scapegoat? How can this be?
Discover Covert Tactics
This book is to blow the lid off the emotional abuse that occurs, detail the aspects of it, which is often not seen, and in most circles is not acceptable to discuss. It’s empowerment. It’s education. It’s about validating your experiences so you can choose to rebuild, and from then, it opens the doors of positive things to come.
This book will uncover the hidden schemes, expose it broad daylight, in a clear and organized fashion, so you can make the best decisions possible for your situation – written by a survivor, who shares a brief summary of her story in this book, and who has been there.
The Tactic of Control
There are a variety of tactics narcissists use, take a deeper dive in Master Manipulators: Discover Covert Tactics Narcissists Use to Manipulate, Deceive and Control.
Within narcissistic dysfunctional families is a large yet hidden element of control. But there are no family meetings to discuss how to improve control, it’s all done with a secret, hidden agenda to overtake without notice, or warning.
There is a language and a secret method of communication within narcissistic families, in that compliance to a secret mission is the only acceptable action.
If someone were to deviate from the unannounced plan, they are faced with consequences (like silence, mistreatment, being ignored, ostracized, gossiped about), and these consequences are denied and never surfaced, but keep members of the family in compliance.
This is why it’s so hard to detect. It’s secretive. If found out, actions are denied, over and over again.
It's a Game to a Narcissist
If you are involved in a narcissistic family, the family dynamics are not only about inner control to keep the family looking like a shiny star on the outside (perception and reputation) but on the inside, it is a game.
It’s a game for the ring leader narcissist to keep all the pawns doing their job and to perpetuate madness from within. They find the game, humorous, but to those who escape and see this game, it’s a matter of life and death, and definitely not a joke.
The narcissist sees it as humorous because:
(1) they can’t believe others fall for it, over and over again: Think Lucy from Charlie Brown
(2) they laugh at how much control they have
(3) they love the chaos they create and the narcissistic supply from the family drama they have created.
Triangulation is an Inside Job
When the scapegoat sees the role they had in the family unit, the tactics slowly start to reveal themselves, though it can take years to see all these tactics. One of these tactics is the narcissists’ use of triangulation.
The narcissist will deliberately:
(1) create arguments between members of a family unit, so they will be against each other for something real, or made up,
(2) spread gossip, which are lies with the intent to shape someone’s perception so they act in a certain way,
(3) twist and use someone’s words against them.
Triangulation causes disunity. It creates a lack of trust. Relational bonding between these individuals is out of the question. Plus, there’s confusion and what’s uncanny is the narcissist is not seen as the root cause of the triangulation. They are removed and the focus is on the “he said/she said” and in defense control.
It’s maddening and cyclical, meaning it will happen over and over again, with different players, and different circumstances, but the same tactic.
Why is the Scapegoat Ostracized?
The scapegoat is deliberately ostracized by their own family.
When a scapegoat sees their role within the family unit and sees the tactics, this is the greatest fear of the narcissist.
It’s like now this scapegoat person has a very contagious disease. The narcissist fears that the scapegoat will:
(1) open up and share their story,
(2) will teach other family members about the tactics,
(3) take action,
(4) make new healthy lifestyle choices that will turn the tables and
(5) leave the family unit entirely.
The narcissist doesn’t want any of this.
The Narcissist Can't Have this!
The narcissist does not: (1) want to be exposed,
(2) they do not want others to learn of the tactics which have been going on behind the scenes for years and decades,
(3) they do not want others to see the manipulation tactics, or
(4) that they were used as a pawn.
The narcissist wants their crazy, dysfunctional world to continue because it provided THEM with supply, value, worth, and merit. It was their life game, which they enjoyed so much at the expense of others.
The narcissist fears losing control. They don’t want to be found out.
They want to maintain their reputation and they must be perceived in a way they want by others and which they have built. They don’t care their whole reputation is built on lies and gaslighting.
The scapegoat now has the power to “destroy” the reputation of the narcissist, and to shed light to others in the family who will listen (which is not common). This is why the scapegoat is ostracized.
The narcissist would rather have the extended family cut ties than to be around the scapegoat. Too, it’s to punish the scapegoat for trying to create their own life.
DIdn't Want to be Ostracized?
If you are the scapegoat, you may have tried to establish no contact with one (or more) individuals from within your family. You, however, didn’t anticipate being ostracized by the whole family.
Well, you had no choice.
The more the narcissist uses these tactics, it has a compounding effect. You are being defamed from within your own family. Slowly the narcissist deteriorates your reputation, they spread lies, and they make up stories with convincing detail that other family members just believe them.
It’s not that others inherently trust the narcissist, it’s that they have been manipulated and conditioned by them for years (some without knowing) that they trust the charisma, and perception of the narcissist and choose to go along with it. Too, the risk of not going along with the narcissist is so great, they cannot take this on.
This is how love turns to hate, by the very people who have outwardly proclaimed they love you – for decades.
It wasn’t love. It was an agreement you had, that as long as you obey, they will act as if they love you.
If you take part in a mission that is not acceptable or that doesn’t go along with the family status quo, then you will not be shown “love” but what you are shown is hatred.
Has this article been helpful? Have you gone no contact to then be ostracized by extended family? Drop a comment and remember to follow us on our social media channels to stay connected!
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Were you the Family Scapegoat?
A similar occurrence occurs with the scapegoat. When the scapegoat is overlooked, criticized, and treated as less than others over and over again by not only caretakers, they can begin to internalize how others treat them over and over again. They can take on self-sabotaging behaviors and may suffer from poor or improper self-esteem. Learn about the dynamics between the Scapegoat and the Golden child, why he relationship is strained, what the Scapegoat can do, why the scapegoat is disrespected (and worse), and even ostracized.
Absolutely spot on – Lines up precisely with my lengthy experiences, including one I am wrestling with now. Going on 70 years experiencing everything this article describes.
❤️
This is my same experience, to the T.
This is a out line to what I went through. My experience is 10 fold. From them trying to blow me off the ladder from a 2 story house with a helicopter, try to take my home from me , gang stalking me , smear campaign me where ever I go for service I use gas station yoga class grocery store etc. , ; use the police to do their stalking. Much more. I managed to avoid the abuse , and still deal with it.
This was my experience. I went no contact three years ago. My mother and sister tried to turn my adult son away from me, and used my sister’s buffoon of a boyfriend as a flying monkey. My son was disgusted and he figured it out. Narcissists are so evil but they really give themselves away if you pay attention. I unfortunately was in my fifties before I caught on.