3 Struggles of Being a Scapegoat in a Narcissistic Family: Unveiling the Hidden Wounds
Are you the Family Scapegoat?
If you grew up within a narcissistic family structure, and have determined you are the family scapegoat, this article is for you.
I was also the family scapegoat, went no contact, a while ago, have rebuilt my life, but share my experiences, and the inner turmoil that the scapegoat can suffer from, even into adulthood.
The recovery process can be lengthy, there is no time limit to recover. It’s at your own pace, there is no rush and no medal awarded at the end. There should be a medal awarded after all we have been through.
It was a lot and the emotional weight of the mess can be heavy at times especially while sorting things out, and especially as we discover new tactics and areas of manipulation and deceit that were used against us – all with orchestrated intent.
Few can understand the pain and madness and when you run into another scapegoat, there can be an instant bond, and hopefully a healthy bond as a new healthy soul arises from the ashes, and you walk into your intended path.
Hoooray for victories!
In this article, we are going to go deep (why not) and touch on what some of the common struggles are growing up as the family scapegoat so you can embrace these struggles head on, accept the challenge, walk through it, learn an amazing bit about yourself, even free yourself from the emotional entanglement, start over if needed, and move forward one day at a time, when it’s right for you.
It’s important to learn about the impact, because when we are raised by or in a narcissistic family, it shapes who we are and how we see the world.
Ready to dive in?
My heart to all the family scapegoats reading this article. Please also check out our other articles: The Strained Relationship Between Scapegoat and Golden Child and Disrespect: The Silent Language Scapegoat Vs. Golden Child
Table of Contents
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Growing Up in a Hidden Narcissistic Family
Growing up in a family is meant to provide love, support, and a sense of belonging. However, for those unfortunate enough to be raised in a narcissistic family, the experience can be far from idyllic.
Within such families, a particular role often emerges—the scapegoat.
The scapegoat is also known as the black sheep of the family, and these terms can be used interchangeably. I have also heard this role referred to as the family trash can, but I have a hard time referring to myself as such, and I do not like to even promote it – it’s such a harsh term, but I digress.
The ScapeGoat's Supposed Role
Within narcissistic families, there are roles, yes, kind of like actors, as discussed in the 3 Benefits of Being the Family Scapegoat, and the role of the scapegoat, sadly is to serve as the outlet for the family’s frustrations, insecurities, and dysfunctions.
They are often unjustly blamed for the family’s problems, regardless of their actual involvement. The scapegoat is singled out, constantly criticized, and made to feel inferior. They are burdened with the responsibility of carrying the family’s shame and dysfunction.
If this doesn’t take a heavy toll on someone, I don’t know what will. And what’s worse is it shouldn’t be this way. The scapegoat carries the load, it’s always their fault, and they are the ones to blame.
It’s utterly ridiculous and a terrible burden to carry.
The Heavy Emotional Toll
You weren’t meant to carry this heavy emotional toll.
It wasn’t your fault.
You were the one carrying the emotional crap box for all to dump their dirty laundry and you were the safe one in the family to carry it.
Why? Good question, that is another article.
Being raised as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family takes a significant toll on your emotional well-being.
Constant criticism and blame can result in low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and an internalized sense of guilt.
The scapegoat often internalizes the belief that they are inherently flawed or responsible for the family’s problems, which can manifest as anxiety, depression, and a sense of alienation.
And, this is done by family. Close family. Relatives. Inside the Family. The ones who are meant to protect and love us.
Isolation and Alienation
One of the most damaging and harrowing aspects of being a scapegoat in a narcissistic family is the isolation it creates.
Scapegoats are often excluded and ostracized from family gatherings (or ostracized entirely), events, and celebrations.
This exclusion reinforces their belief that they are fundamentally different and unworthy of love and acceptance.
Consequently, they may struggle with forming healthy relationships (even into adulthood) and experience difficulties trusting others.
Watch out for Internalizing Their Beliefs
One of the biggest patterns to recognize in the healing process is the internalization of thoughts and feelings.
You may start to believe all the crap and garbage that your family tried to inflict on you.
You may start to feel like you are actually bad, that you have done something wrong, have a nagging guilt feeling that you cannot shake and feel like you are wrong and bad all the time – and deserve to be punished.
You may start to trust your narcissistic family – after all they are an authority in your life (or were) and they know best, so you begin to internalize what they tell you and how they treat you.
You start to treat yourself how they treat you.
Watch out for this.
The scapegoat is not inherently bad – they just need you to act and believe it and take on this role because it soothes them and placates the family dysfunction so it can continue undetected.
The constant negative reinforcement experienced by the scapegoat can lead to the internalization of dysfunctional beliefs and patterns; it’s a constant struggle to overcome at first.
The scapegoat may find themselves repeating self-sabotaging behaviors, engaging in destructive relationships, or struggling with feelings of unworthiness.
These patterns can persist long after leaving the family environment and can hinder personal growth and happiness.
Healing is a Journey
Escaping the clutches of a narcissistic family and healing from the wounds inflicted as a scapegoat is absolutely a challenging journey.
Recognizing the toxic dynamics and seeking professional help are crucial steps toward recovery.
Therapy can aid in understanding and processing the trauma, rebuilding self-esteem, and establishing healthier boundaries.
Where to Start
I often get asked the question of how to recover, how to move forward, how to let go of the past, and where to start, as the journey to recovery can appear to be daunting.
There is so much to learn, so much to deconstruct, and so much information to sort through to discover our truth.
The journey to recovery involves learning to love oneself and embracing authenticity.
It is crucial for the scapegoat to redefine their identity and shed the false narratives projected onto them by their narcissistic family.
By engaging in self-care practices, pursuing personal passions, surrounding themselves with supportive individuals, and going no contact with others, they can begin to rebuild their lives on their terms.
That’s right, it’s on your terms now. It’s time to look out for what you want to do from this point forward.
Then What? Help Others?
Some scapegoats after they have gone through a massive healing journey wish to help and assist others in their journey.
This was the case for me, but it won’t be for everyone.
Many scapegoats who have successfully navigated their healing journey find solace and purpose in empowering others who have experienced similar traumas.
By sharing their stories, advocating for awareness, and supporting fellow survivors, they can help break the cycle of abuse and offer hope to those still trapped in the darkness.
Why Boundaries Don’t Always Work with Narcissists
| Reason | Description |
|---|---|
| Manipulative Behavior | Narcissists often use manipulation to test or break boundaries, making it hard to enforce limits. |
| Emotional Intensity | The emotional intensity and hostility from narcissists can make it challenging to maintain firm boundaries. |
| Lack of Empathy | Narcissists' lack of empathy can lead to disregard for your boundaries, making enforcement difficult. |
| Power Struggles | Boundaries may be perceived as a challenge, leading to power struggles where the narcissist tries to undermine your authority. |
| Consistency Issues | Maintaining consistency in enforcing boundaries can be tough due to the narcissist's persistent efforts to push limits. |
You Determine your Path
Growing up as a scapegoat in a narcissistic family is a harrowing and deep experience that leaves deep emotional scars.
However, with time, with support, and a commitment to healing, it is possible to overcome the trauma and reclaim your life.
By understanding the role of the scapegoat and the impact it has, we can extend empathy and support to those who have endured this unique struggle, helping them find their way toward a new future.
Were you the scapegoat? How is your healing journey? What have you learned about yourself that you didn’t know in the process? Drop a comment and let us know!
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