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Is it Time to Get off the Treadmill of Performance (going from More To More)?
When in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, we are often taught do more, and to maintain a high- performance level, inadvertently, of course. We are indirectly told we are not enough, no matter how hard we try and no matter how well we perform – which keeps us in a cycle of performance, that repeats.
When in a relationship with a narcissist, our performance is not validated by those we are working so hard to please. What do we do?
We keep on trying, we keep on performing, we raise the bar and we go from walking to running. We try to outperform to achieve recognition, just like what occurred in the love-bombing stage. We try to out-perform our own previous behaviors, since we were taught, they weren’t enough. We internalize, that if we accomplish MORE, then we would be accepted by another party, which may give us the value as a human we are seeking.
We work to achieve higher and higher levels, but the prize is never won, oddly. The target moves, the carrot is pulled further and further away and the goal never seems to have been met, yet we have performed so much better.
This can lead to exhaustion or burnout not to mention to be worn out emotionally, physically and you may feel drained after time. The body is trying to win, to get recognized, to have value in what we were taught to do by the narcissist.
Table of Contents
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Listen to the Episode Here
Not Enough?
You may feel like you are not enough, based upon either what someone else has told you, or by the covert behavior’s others have displayed toward you.
I’d like to encourage you to go from MORE to MORE.
What I mean by this is to move from feeling as if you have to DO MORE and always winning in performance, to being MORE. This change comes from within and is not an easy shift, at first.
The MORE shift occurs when we are able to see this pattern we were hoping to achieve, the recognition, from others at our attempt to do what they say we should do, and realizing it’s a false attempt to receive recognition. We do not have to please others, or do what they say to receive validation.
Let’s put that on repeat, we do not have to please others, or do what others say, to be validated.
So, how do we make this shift to GET Off the Performance Treadmill?
No Contact
Going No Contact with those who discredit, minimize, ignore, belittle is the start to the journey. It’s time for you, now. No more BS games, trying to feel like you matter. It’s time to draw a line in the sand, see the situation for what it is and choose another way of doing things.
No Contact is the beginning of the journey to move forward, and to make changes to the situation.
Is No Contact difficult?
Going No Contact with someone is not easy, especially at first. There are a lot of emotions, even confusion, self-doubt to face.
The longer no contact the Better, as the mind can clear to receive healing and to recover.
The longer no contact, and you have time to evaluate your relationship, the red flags that maybe you saw earlier but ignored surface and you can begin to get clarity. Things start to make sense, the fog lifts, there are ah-ha moments and the lies are shown in broad daylight.
Allow for this time for the lies to surface so you can have additional clarity which will increase your confidence that you have made/are making the right decisions.
Time Away to Separate Lies from Truth
Begin to see your value separately from all other influences, just for who you are. Take the time to appreciate your strengths, weaknesses, your attitude, your thought patterns, all of it and bask in the beauty of who you are, your realness. This is you.
You have the value to step foot on the ground that you are on presently.
The opinions of others do not dictate your value and worth.
Take time today to listen to your own voice. Get in a quiet spot to be fully present in who you are – away from distractions, to just be. This is you. There is strength that comes from this time in being fully present with yourself, that no person can give or take away.
This is how we move from being MORE, to being MORE.
Take this with you as an encouragement today.
XO
Lynn