When in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, we are often taught do more, and to maintain a high- performance level, inadvertently, of course.  We are indirectly told we are not enough, no matter how hard we try and no matter how well we perform – which keeps us in a cycle of performance, that repeats.

When in a relationship with a narcissist, our performance is not validated by those we are working so hard to please. What do we do? 

We keep on trying, we keep on performing, we raise the bar and we go from walking to running.  We try to outperform to achieve recognition, just like what occurred in the love-bombing stage. We try to out-perform our own previous behaviors, since we were taught, they weren’t enough. We internalize, that if we accomplish MORE, then we would be accepted by another party, which may give us the value as a human we are seeking.  

We work to achieve higher and higher levels, but the prize is never won, oddly.  The target moves, the carrot is pulled further and further away and the goal never seems to have been met, yet we have performed so much better.

This can lead to exhaustion or burnout not to mention to be worn out emotionally, physically and you may feel drained after time.  The body is trying to win, to get recognized, to have value in what we were taught to do by the narcissist.