Gaslighting: How to Respond to Someone's Attempt to Change Your Perception
*trigger warning, for discussion on DV.
When someone is being gaslighted, (gaslight) it can be challenging to respond in the moment.
The abuser often makes the victim doubt themselves and their own judgment.
However, it is essential to have strategies to respond to gaslighting when it happens and in this article, we are going to attempt give you the tools so you can do just that…
Table of Contents
Risks in Standing Up For Yourself
While it’s important to have strategies at hand…it’s also important for the following.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, or someone on the spectrum, it’s important to be aware of tactics they will use against you, when you recognize what they are trying to do.
While it’s good to stand up for yourself, exhibit boundaries, etc, you have to also be aware of risks which can occur right away.
Abuse doesn’t occur because someone didn’t stand up for themself, the abused were brought into an environment to which there was loss of autonomy and personal control.
So there may be a time when NOT standing up for yourself right away is also beneficial and the way to go.
When you have been in an abusive relationship, you learn to take cues, from watching and observing body language and unspoken language. You learn to read in between the lines, so to speak.
You may just have to move yourself to another room for a while and not respond. Here are some additional risks why you may not wish to respond right away…
Narcissistic Rage
When you are dealing with a narcissist, you are not dealing with a normal person who is just teasing you.
They have an ulterior motive to try to manipulate, deceive, or try to change your perception. Too, they don’t want their tactics to be found out, so if you choose to call them out on it, beware of what can happen, and sometimes at a moment’s notice.
DV
It is not uncommon for a relationship to escalate, and to escalate in an unpredictable way.
The last thing a narcissist wants is for you to stand up for yourself. Their whole motivation to being with you is to extract out your beneficial “talents” and use them for their purposes. They are not in to have a genuine relationship. It’s all one sided. They are looking to benefit themselves, and the more you exhibit independence, they will be despised by it and their tactics will increase.
You have to know what you are dealing with…
Being with a narcissist, is not a “normal” relationship. There is nothing “normal” about it.
Safety
Your safety is of first priority. Responding in a memorized fashion with a response to a gaslighting phrase is not the end goal (although these responses are helpful in certain situations).
The end goal is to be around people who consistently treat you well.
Let’s get to it, if you find you need to verbally respond to someone who is gaslighting you.
Respond: Responses to Gaslighting
I Appreciate Your Concern, But I know What's Best for Me
This response acknowledges the abuser’s concern while asserting the victim’s own agency and decision-making power. It is a way to counter the abuser’s attempt to control the victim.
My Feelings are Valid, and I Won't Let You Dismiss Them
This response is a way to assert the victim’s emotions and feelings. It lets the abuser know that their attempt to minimize the victim’s feelings is not acceptable.
I'm Allowed to Feel How I Feel, and I Won't Let You Tell Me Otherwise
This response is similar to the previous one, but it emphasizes the victim’s right to their own emotions and feelings. It is a way to counter the abuser’s attempt to make the victim doubt their own feelings.
I Don't Think Your Behavior is Helpful, and I Won't Tolerate It
This response is a way to assert the victim’s boundaries and let the abuser know that their behavior is not acceptable. It is a way to counter the abuser’s attempt to justify their behavior as being for the victim’s own good.
I Need My Privacy, and I Expect You to Respect It
This response is a way to assert the victim’s right to privacy and let the abuser know that their intrusive behavior is not acceptable. It is a way to counter the abuser’s attempt to justify their behavior as being for the victim’s own good.
I'm Not Lucky to Have You If You Treat Me Poorly
This response is a way to challenge the abuser’s attempt to make the victim feel dependent on them. It asserts the victim’s right to be treated with respect and dignity.
I'm Not Crazy and I Won't Let You make Me Believe Otherwise
This response challenges the abuser’s attempt to make the victim doubt their own sanity. It asserts the victim’s right to their own perceptions and experiences.
Commonalities
Responding to gaslighting is empowering yourself verbally. It’s standing up for yourself.
If you have been in a relationship, standing up for yourself may feel like speaking a foreign language, as you may not be used to it.
Keep the risks in mind as they could absolutely be tested.
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