Why the Narcissist Stonewalls - the Undisclosed reasons
Have you ever started to have a conversation with a narcissist, only to find out mid-sentence the conversation has been cut off, or they walk away, and they shut down the conversation entirely? If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have noticed, there are certain conversations that are not favored, and the narcissist may revert to stonewalling.
In this episode, we are going to explore why the narcissist shuts down conversations, their motivation for doing so, as we go deep into the diabolical psyche of the narcissist so we can gain understanding and clarity for our situation.
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Now, stonewalling is a manipulative tactic and control mechanism to stop or reduce the flow or exchange of information. Stonewalling can come in many forms and some of them are:
- Suddenly and Unexpectedly Walking Away from a Conversation
- Claiming Too Busy and the Conversation Never Ensues with Intent
- Not Engaging or Responding
- Giving the Silent Treatment, or Ignoring altogether
- It can also come in the form of minimizing or discrediting
Now some of these can be viewed subjectively but what we are talking about is chronic behavior – the actions repeat over time.
Related: Why the Narcissist Studies You
1. A Narcissist is Repelled by Closeness
Now, if you begin to share with a narcissist for example, how you feel about a situation or the relationship specifically, they will listen only with intent to see where you are going to take the conversation. If they can tell you are going to talk about “things” which may be construed as ‘negative to them’, they are going to try to derail the conversation, and derail it fast.
And if you were to share honestly your take on what is occurring within a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist isn’t encouraged to hear your story. In fact, the narcissist probably despises your desire to be open and your desire to connect within the relationship. You see, a narcissist is repelled by closeness, intimacy, open sharing and being connected within the relationship. So, they are going to try to silence you from even sharing a morsel once they believe they know where you are going with the conversation.
Why?
The narcissist can’t bear to hear what you have to say if it’s about the relationship, as the narcissist will view it as criticism to which they cannot handle. So, they will attempt to close the conversation before the conversation has even begun.
2. The Narcissist Can’t Handle and Does Not Care About Your Feedback
Second, the narcissist didn’t get into the relationship with you to hear about your day, or your thoughts, or your passions or things that interest you for that matter. These things do not matter to a narcissist, as they view the relationship as what you can do for them, and it’s a one-way street.
Did they fake listen to you in the beginning of the relationship? Yes. The narcissist became like a chameleon and acted in ways that drew you in, but it wasn’t who they really were. Now, that the relationship has progressed, portions of their real self, start to show up.
Note: There are certain conversations that a narcissist will attempt to shut down more than others. If you are inclined to share about ways to improve a relationship with a narcissist, this will be one of the fastest conversations to be shut down. However, if you wish to divulge things that could be twisted and used against you in the future, the narcissist will be all ears. They will save and deposit the conversation in the back of their mind and then when needed they will retrieve the data and use it against you.
3. Next, the Narcissist will feel Uncomfortable
Third, the narcissist does not you to open up and share because it puts them in an awkward and very uncomfortable position. It’s going to be awkward because the conversations may require several things that the narcissist is inept to provide such as:
- Accountability for their actions
- Empathy to Understand your Viewpoint from your side
- Future Change
So, the narcissist must stop you from sharing immediately because they cannot have discomfort and they do not plan to be accountable, not to mention they can’t handle perceived criticism or discuss their ineptness in the relationship.
Too, on top of this, they don’t understand why you are sharing. They see absolutely no point in it, as they do not see it as beneficial for the role you are to play in the relationship, which is to be a source for them.
4. It Can’t Be About You
Next, when the conversation switches to you talking and sharing openly about things, the focus of the conversation for a time is on you. The narcissist does not like this since it removes the focus from them to you.
You see, the narcissist has a way of operating. It’s not that they have a ‘me-first’ mentality, it’s that they have a ‘me-only” philosophy. You are not factored into the bigger picture of things. You are viewed as providing a means for the narcissist. The means you provide is supply. So, the narcissist has to shut down the conversation, since it’s not about them, and they do this by stonewalling you right up front and closing out any opportunity for them to feel a certain way.
5. The Narcissist Needs to Keep the Narrative -
Next, a narcissist does not want you to share your story because it may dismantle their narrative. When we share our personal story, our testimony is a powerful force for the narcissist to overcome. Why? Because other may believe it and this will challenge their reputation which they have built, their public persona and may stir up questions which they are not inclined to answer.
They must keep the narrative unchallenged and they do this by stonewalling and silencing you.
6. It’s to Hide and Conceal Things
A narcissist has many things to hide, and a lot of their energy behind the scenes goes into managing concealment. But what does a narcissist have to hide?
- Their past and ongoing actions and how they treat others
- That they are an actor
- That they don’t care about you, your mission, or endeavors
- That it’s all about them, and always will be, and they will squash any attempt in a perceived shift in this
- They must conceal, so their actions are not widely known
- They also have to hide their shame
Deep DIve
We are going to go in even deeper to discuss how stonewalling affects the target. When stonewalling occurs within a narcissistic relationship, it generates a wave of emotions over the target as a result such as:
What May Occur after Repeated Stonewalling
- There is an Initial shock which can include a trauma response.
- Confusion ensues and a complete lack of understanding as to why the narcissist would act in this way.
- The relationship is now questioned to whether they are on your side or not.
- Stonewalling takes what was once perceived as a mutually beneficial relationship to now the floor has been removed, and the sense of confusion and loss can be overwhelming.
- You may start to feel like you don’t matter in the relationship and that your opinions aren’t valued, and your life experiences aren’t appreciated with someone who is supposed to have your back.
- The level of trust has been impacted and there is no assurance it can be restored.
- There is doubt in the relationship, however, you may still keep trying to communicate with the narcissist at this point, and this is for many reasons (cognitive dissonance, trauma bond etc.), which will open the door to other tactics on top of stonewalling.
As a result, you may start to feel alone in the relationship. You may even feel that the other party is now your opponent. You don’t wish for the other party to be an opponent, but by their actions and the way they treat you, you are feeling as if it’s you against them.
The relationship breaks down, in fact according to an article, stonewalling is one of the fastest ways to dismantle a relationship. Would you agree?
Summary
The narcissist will use stonewalling as a tactic which limits information, as they have much to hide behind the scenes. Not only are they repelled by your desire for intimacy, bonding and mutual sharing, but the narcissists has much to protect and therefore cannot engage with you and will use the control tactic of stonewalling to accomplish this.
Have you been stonewalled? Drop us a comment, and check out the related articles below for more.
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